Sunday, January 23, 2011

Indoor Marathons and Pick Up Lines

Three more reasons I’m not sure I like swimming:

  1. What? Can’t hear you. My ears are still clogged with water. I’m sure it’ll come out in its own time, probably in the middle of dinner. I love that sensation. Warm pool water oozing out the earlobe and onto the neck (TWSS)
  2. People use the pool as a pick up joint. This dude in the next lane would wait for me to finish a lap then say things like, “Wow! Are you in the best shape of your life? What do you eat? You must work out everyday!” I don’t get hit on often, so I should bask in the glory. But really, it’s just annoying when you’re trying to get your workout on. He should have said, “I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?” cause at least then I would have been entertained.
  3. The band aid on the bottom of the pool that I saw 100 time as I swam 100 lengths. I was just bored enough that I wondered, “Whose band aid is that? What type of injury did they have? Why did they wear it in the water?”

Moving on. There’s a new craze in town and it has nothing to do with Justin Beiber or women peeing standing up.

The trend? Indoor marathons. If you don’t believe me, check out this January 20 article 600-02659826from the Wall St. Journal (Thanks, Bill!). Only five years ago, indoor marathons were almost non existent in North America. Now there are at least six.

In an effort to run marathons year round in the coldest of climates (think Milwaukee and Ontario), the indoor race is becoming an option. Runners circle a track. About 150 times. Before you stick your nose in the air and scream, “No eff’ing way, douchebag!” consider the benefits:

  • You get to know your aid station folks very well
  • You get to pay to run circles
  • Slower runners get continually lapped by the elites, so friendships naturally form
  • No spitting is allowed on the track. All spit goes into trashcans along the way
  • If you collapse, a medic is always close by
  • No hills, no wind, no rain, no snow, no fresh air
  • You’ll finally know how your pet hamster used to feel, running to nowhere
  • Runners change direction every 30 minutes to prevent injury (something about the corners?). You don’t get that at an outside marathon!
  • 150 opportunities to “chick,” “dude,” lap, or ridicule other runners. See Jamoosh for more info on this one.
  • Too hot, take off your jacket. Next lap, if you’re cold, pick it up. No more leaving Good Will clothes on the side of the road
  • You get to re-live your own farts, lap by lap
  • You can fine tune your counting skills

Of course there are pitfalls:

  • Duh! The smell alone will kill ya’
  • Running around a track 150 times
  • Finally knowing how your pet hamster used to feel
  • Getting to know the aid station volunteers very well
  • Not being able to spit on the ground
  • Passing other runners means you’ll use the outside lanes. You’ll go further than 26.2 miles for sure
  • Vertigo
  • Getting “chicked,”ridiculed, “duded” lapped of 150 times
  • Getting to re-live your own farts, lap by lap
  • Someone vomits, pees, craps – you get to revisit the pile with each lap

If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could journey to Bad Salzungen, Germany and run 26.2 miles through salt mine tunnels. Now that would be something!

I would totally do it. Just to say I did. In fact, I might just swim a marathon in circles around the deep end to prove it. Mark my words. I will do an indoor marathon one of these days. Who’s in? I smell blogger meet up.

I think the solution is that every city that experiences winter temperatures should build a 26.2 mile indoor track.

Would you ever consider doing an indoor marathon?

What’s your best pick up line? Mine is: “How did you fit that big thing into that little ol’ Speedo?”

Getting dizzy,


PS: Just lost a follower. Down to 1162, boohoo for me. Someone doesn’t like indoor marathons or band aids.


  1. my gut instinct would be NO. but i think that if i were persuaded right ($$) i would do it. hahah

    and yay for you still liking swimming. maybe i should pick it up so i can be hit on my guys...

  2. Hmmm, best pickup line? Does, "Would you like fries with that?" count? No? Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in the dating pool!

    I have had a recurring nightmare for about ten years that I am running a marathon on a very small indoor track - as in, it loops around a basketball gym. I am not kidding about the dream, and when I read this story I just couldn't believe it! Somebody stole my nightmare!! It freaks me out, so no, I don't think I'd ever want to do that while I'm awake.

  3. Oh, and the band-aid in the pool? Ewww!

  4. I run the track at our local YMCA.. worst part is running then hitting the "wall" (the stench from someone elses fart) and it literally stops me or I gag as I run thru it. Couldn't imagine doing that for 26.2.
    Pick up lines... as that a mirror in your pocket cause I can see myself in your pants and did it hurt when you fell from heaven.. These were both used on me. Not original and they didn't work haha.

  5. Pitfall: Your Garmin won't work inside.

  6. My sister ran the Milwaukee indoor half as a prep for Boston. She thought she would hate it but absolutely LOVED it. She said the atmosphere was awesome! Not sure if it's on my bucket list though....

    Love the pros and cons-ha! I would die for a nice indoor track about now. One that doesn't take 17 laps to equal 1 mile...

    Nice pickup line!!

  7. you know... I think I might run an indoor marathon. Just to say I did?

  8. Love how you put "no fresh air" under the benefits. Yeah, no. It's tough enough to run on a treadmill in the winter. 150 laps? No thanks!

  9. Nope...not going to say never ever but gee, how freaking boring! But then again, with a bunch of people cheering you on...that could be motivational. I liked indoor track in College so maybe I'd like this too.

    I'll have to think on the pick up line...not sure I have a's one..."Baby did you fart? Because you just blow me away!"

  10. I like to take complicated questions and break them down into simpler parts. Such as:
    would I consider doing another marathon? I'm very, very dubious about that.
    Do I like to run indoors? No.
    Are people who run on treadmills and indoor tracks in wintertime just because it's kind of cold out weenies? YES!
    So, in answer to your question, NO. QED.

    When swimming, having someone you don't know say much more than "hi", or "good morning", is uncouth. Even "mind if I join your lane" is an optional overly polite bit of wordiness. And hit on lines should be reported to the life guard as signs of incipient pervertedness, and maybe get the jerk banned from the pool. Which means more space for you to swim.

    I've been married more than 25 years. What on earth would I know about pickup lines?

  11. about pool bandaids... I swam at a "private" community pool a few years back. Better a bandaid than a brown oblong object at the bottom.

    as to an indoor run, I think for someone with asthma as bad as mine it would be better in that I could just sit down, wait, pick back up and still have people around. It's discouraging to sit down to catch my breath and find that everyone is around the next block.

  12. Love the Ontario Shout Out! Today it was -28 C or -18 in American! I am two hours from Toronto!

  13. Are you not watching football cause the Bronco's are absent? Jeeeez SUAR..indoor marathon???????? Let's get outside and go!!!

  14. i would have to warn the folks behind me...and in front......and all around....maybe if they provided gas masks

  15. Ha ha thanks for mentioning Ontario!! I would have ran indoors today too as it was freaking cold today!! :) Sounds like quite a challenge though!

  16. I'm not sure I could do 150 track laps. I mean, damn, I might get dizzy.

  17. Does running a marathon on a treadmill count? I might be able to do that... as for running 150 laps inside, i might get dizzy... hmmm

  18. Shawn, I could have sworn the Broncos were in the playoffs. Damnit.

  19. I'd run an indoor marathon. The 24 hour event I do in March is just over a mile loop that goes on and on. I survived last year.

  20. My pickup line was "Hi". I think it still works, but I've been married too long to know for sure. Perhaps it worked because I always had my boobs with me when I said it.

  21. I kid you not Spike and I had a lengthy convo about this very article and idea Friday night. He is on a mission to organize one in our area!

    P.S. The only way you could possibly loose a reader would be because they relived their farts 150 times.

  22. That salt mine in Germany sounds interesting...I may make the trip down there one of these years. Hey, it beats the crappy outdoor weather in the UK any time of year!

  23. Ok, I think I would lose my mind running indoors. I can't run 4 minutes on a treadmill without going ballistic and screaming silly things.

  24. Wait wait wait. I totally used "dude-ed" before that story came out! WHA???

    I even made a shirt for the guys:

    So. Not. Fair.

    Anyway, indoor marathons sound pretty, um, interesting. Maybe? Notsomuch.

  25. It would be interesting to try it, right?

  26. There's a hottie in my gym who I want to pick up. I was mustering up the nerve to do it then I read this post. Great, just great. My confidence is now shot. Thanks Beth.

  27. I would also loose my mind running an indoor marathon! Salt mines, yes. Roundandround circular track (or, god forbid, a TREADMILL!), nah! Never mind re-living *other people's* farts -- your own always smell much better.

    Favorite pickup line that worked on me "ooooh, we have the same inseam!" Quirky.

  28. Another plus is always being within a short distance of the rest room. I would have thought you'd have put that first on your list.

  29. Not a pickup line but I love using this at races, "Wow, you're looking good and you're not running bad either".......

  30. Hmm I don't know if I could do it, but a couple of people SWEAR by those kind of races in my running group because of the constant aid stations and constant support!

    You should google and check out the Northcoast 24 Endurance Challenge - you run as many laps of a .90 track as you can in 24 hours... it's totally ridiculous! It's by me in Cleveland and I went last year and just couldn't believe the physical (and mental) endurance some people had.

  31. Indoor marathons are stupid. I hated running track in high school because you run in a stupid circle. Let's cut that length in half and run a marathon on it. Idiots.

    On another note. Hilarious that you get irritated with people talking to you in the pool. Personally I ignore everyone. People try to talk to you after each lap... so I learned flip turns so I don't have to stop at the wall and I can pretend I didn't see them waving their hands under the water for me to stop.

  32. I would love to see the Garmin map readout of 150 ADD would go nuts if I didn't stay in the lines...

  33. I had a guy hit on me by telling me that he had had a threesome. A) Why would you tell me that? B) No. You didn't.

  34. I don't even much like marathons that are multiple loops, but seeing Lady J 150 times might be worth the effort.

  35. I truly believe I would fare better doing an indoor marathon on the treadmill. At least then I could watch mindless tv and use the built-in fans to blow away my farts.
    That being said, it's minus twenty something here in Ontario today, so I certainly wouldn't want to be running outside either.

  36. Haha...too funny!
    Outside for me all the way. It was minus twenty something here in Ontario and I did run outside despite the cold. My eyelashes froze, but better than smelling my own farts any day!
    You can read all about that frozen run at

  37. Hmm, 150 laps. I don't think so. I almost registered for a 24 mile ultra where you ran as many 1 mile loops around an island to usher in the new year, which would be between 100 and 150 laps. ( but decided against it. Perhaps next year.

  38. I dont think I could do a marathon on a track, because after 10 laps I would forget how many laps I just did. Plus I would run out of fingers to count on. I think like Nicole it would make me dizzy.

  39. Indoor marathon? Been there, done that, long before it was a fad. Best pick-up line? There was this stunning blonde at a bar and a guy went up to her and opened with "I own a Ferrari." She shot him down - fast. So... I went up to her in exactly the same way and said, "I own my own socks. I used to lease, but I liked them, so I decided to buy." She laughed and we started to talk (we did not leave together, however).

  40. Ugh. I would need a psychiatrist at the end of that.

  41. All I could think of was everyone bumping into one another when you switch directions and someone better be counting my laps for me, but yeah...I'm in.

    Tara and I were just chatting about you...I think we need a medals, margaritas and mending get-together for your birthday. Yes??? Let's get a date on the calendar soon!

  42. An indoor marathon sounds just so horrible that I just might have to challenge myself to do one. Best pick up line? Complete stranger comes up to me at a party and says, "I want to be your lover, and I don't even care that you are married." It didn't work, especially since my husband was standing about a foot away, but I gotta admit, I was impressed by his gumption.

  43. There was a tampon once in the bottom of my pool. :-P You can't help but look at it each time you swim over it. Kept wondering how it got there. Did not appear to be used.

  44. LOVE the pro's and con's list....hilarious!! I would totally do it....I mean I did do a marathon on a treadmill:)
    Congrats on your run today. Seriously, that makes my day! I am so happy you felt so are the best example of taking care of an injury and getting to BOSTON!!! Can't wait to meet you!

  45. indoor marathon???

    freaking. yes.


  46. This post cracked me up. I have NO desire to run an indoor marathon. I'm imagining the pain in my hips right now, and shuddering.

  47. Hey, you're up to 1168 followers now. You must have said something right :-)

    Oddly, I don't mind band aids on the bottom of the pool much. I DO get freaked out when I see clumps of hair floating around. Especially when they grab on to my face and I have spazz out in front of everyone as I'm trying to break free from the hair monster.

  48. #50 to comment. That is good for something.

    Anyway....hellz to the yes I would do an indoor marathon.

    One to say I did it but two to re-live my own farts, lap by lap. Remember they are F'n why wouldn't you? You would go see the Mona Lisa more than once wouldn't you?

  49. There was this guy that use to swim in the lane next to me at the pool. We had almost identical training schedules, we would run, then swim. One day I decided that we should speak so after a couple laps I looked over and asked "are you here for the water aerobics class?" We've been good friends ever since which means that he either is not scared of that horrific line or that he infact IS scared and realizes that it's better to friend me just in case.

  50. nothing grosser than a water logged bandaid ICK!!! BTW, im up and running (pun intended) as the charlotte running examiner.....does that make us co-workers LOL

  51. beth, you swimmer, you. You've got to read my short list on how to make the swim bearable. These tips still haven't worked for me, but whatever, that ain't the point.

    love your recaps. you are one of kind, sister!

  52. Seems to me that running on a track for 26.2 miles, just might be worse than running on a treadmill for 26.2 miles!

  53. I ran Milwaukee's indoor full and half marathons. Just under 96 chip-timed laps for the full. The race is around an Olympic ice oval. Well-organized, but mentally tougher than the outdoor versions.

  54. I'd do just about anything for a good story!

  55. I think I would rather eat a cockroach than do an indoor marathon.

    My list of "I Would Rather" is actually pretty long:
    -I would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork
    -Rip my eyelashes out with an eyelash curler
    -Drink sour milk
    -Sniff someone's sweaty armpit
    -and the list goes on.

    To each his own! :)

  56. oh wait, one more...

    I would rather-

    pose for Chris K's calendar than run an indoor marathon.

  57. Ugh...are you kidding me? There is NO way I would ever do an indoor marathon. Just shoot me now!

  58. Indoor marathon? I think not! Freaking great pick-up line..can I use it? I've got no game..

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  60. I ran on an indoor track all this summer. 10 laps to the mile. My long run has been 14 miles or 140 laps. I like it, but the direction is switched once a day, so I have to do all the laps in the same direction. Tomorrow is my 16 miler and it will be done indoors. It's nice to run by the water cooler and my locker every lap. Oh, and the flush toilets are just a step away. I can't pick up GPS, but my garmin will work to time my laps ( if I remember to hit the button each time).