Friday, November 25, 2011

Not Worth the Calories

How was your turkey day? Ours was perfect.  We stuffed the turkey this year, so I’m hoping Sam and Ella don’t show up in a few days (get it? Salmonella?)

I tried to do my share of the work:

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Ken ate peanuts and watched football. But, to his credit he cleaned up the huge ass mess after dinner.

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We all sat down for the feast. You’d think Ken would look happier since he gets to live with me AND has a new job. If it looks smoky, it is. I had some oven issues:

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Emma pretending she was at the Renaissance festival and ate a turkey leg:

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On to other things.

My mind is a wasteland when I run. I go from dwelling on immense problems like who should be the prime minster of Egypt to being curious about stuff like Occupy Wall Street – what the hell is it? But, most of the time I am thinking about more important subjects like where I can take an emergency dump (that bush up ahead) or how that new Cancun Fiesta nail polish color I bought will look on my toes.

Yesterday’s contemplation was  bit different. Somehow I got to thinking about the stupid, offensive or ridiculous things people say. I am of the belief that saying things to hurt people sucks and shouldn’t be done unless you are drunk and cannot be held responsible or that person you want to be mean to has hurt your mother in some way.

In all seriousness, there is rarely a time when being mean to just be mean is acceptable. Yet, sometimes people say the crappiest stuff, and I still can’t figure out why.

  • Once I made pumpkin cake with cream cheese icing and took a friend of mine (who is no longer a friend of mine) a bunch of the cake. Just because I felt like it. She tasted a piece and said, “It’s okay. Not worth the calories, though.” Who says that? WHO?? A “thank you” would have sufficed.
  • I remember once my grandmother telling me I had a fat face. That wasn’t so nice.
  • I have had many year’s worth of trauma to my teeth (I had an accident when I was 12 and have never been the same). In my twenties, one of my front teeth had a root canal and had become discolored. It was kind of yellowish, not black or brown or anything. It didn’t really b0ther me, I guess I was just used to it. A friend of my mom’s told her, “You know Beth would be really pretty if it wasn't for that ugly tooth.” In hindsight, she definitely had a point and this did eventually prompt me to get it fixed. I think it was her bluntness that took me off guard.

Sometimes it’s not the fact that people say things (I mean, maybe I needed to address the tooth issue), but how they say them and the words they use. Word choice is everything. Tone of voice is everything.

Has anyone ever said anything so offensive, mean or blunt that it took you off guard?

SUAR

44 comments:

  1. First of all I have tried a similar cake and yes it is worth the calories! Second, when I turned 30ish my face started breaking out and I was really self conscious about it. I went to my grandmother's house one day and she said "oh what happened to your face, it's all broken out!" So embarrassing!!

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  2. Oh my gosh, yes, tone of voice is definitely everything! My husband sometimes says things in a tone of voice that drives me nuts. I refer to it as the "you're stupid" voice and always call him on it. The topics are never mean, but it can come across that way. The last time it was about some romantic movie that's coming out and he said that it would be "a movie that Alanna would see". Not bad reading it, but put on the sarcastic voice and it hurt. That said, I'm hormonal right now and I could have overreacted slightly.

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  3. Once right after my daughter was born and I was trying very hard to get back into shape I had a friend say "You work out all the time and I don't see that it's doing all that much good". I think she completely said it without thinking, but I couldn't believe it came out of her mouth!! We were on the phone when she said it and I went dead quiet - then she quickly came up with a reason she had to go...

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  4. My stepdad once said, "why did you cut your HAIR? It was your one redeeming feature." I could seriously go on with a list a mile long...

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  5. My friend came over to plant flowers with me. Her pants got dirty so I loaned her some of my pre pregnancy jeans and they were only a tad big. Months later she was complaining about her bad eating habits and how much weight she had gained saying "OMG! I've been eating sooo much, your pants actually fit me now!" WTF?!

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  6. Unfortunately we can't blame granny for the things she says, because they're like little kids and don't know any better! I find it so disheartening sometimes when I hear people speak before they think...there's just some things you keep to yourself (or post in your blog!)

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  7. This lady I work with is in her mid 50's and hasn't ever had to watch her weight or excercise much, but she has gained about 50 pounds in the last 5 years and struggles on how to lose it.

    So when I told her I was training for a half marathon this spring (mentioned NOTHING about losing weight, BTW) she said, "You better lose that extra weight now, or you will be morbidly obese by the time you are my age". I just nodded but I was thinking WTF?????

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  8. You know, you're really smart... sometimes. Thanks, friend.

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  9. Tone does make a ton of difference, but some of the words could use softening too (as in the examples you used). It gets even worse via email when emotion is left out of the equation and we can all mis-communicate.

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  10. When I was going thru infertility treatment and finally got pregnant at ~age 38, my (ex)friend responded with, "Congratulations...I guess"

    Yep, so you see where the (ex) came into play.

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  11. my mother-in-law (who is a spawn of Satin) was coming to visit.My hubby was working late and asked me to fix chili verde for dinner and serve it to his mom....she took one bite and then asked if I had any cornflakes...(this is the same woman who flat out told me she didnt like me beofre I married her son because i was too young for him).Now when one of my kids complain about what we're having for dinner, the joke is to eat cornflakes

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  12. I've been mean. Was quite good at it, actually. I don't know when I had the epiphany, but at some point years ago I came to the realization that it was a lot more fun, and much more rewarding, to be nice. So that's my motto: Simply be nice.

    Mean people suck.

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  13. The first three times my mom said "LOOK at your THIGHS!" it took me off guard--then I took up running. Now my legs can kick her but, if needed!

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  14. Lucky for your former friend that you didn't put the cake in the face!:)

    An annoying dude at the gym told me my legs looked like tree trunks when i was younger...wow.

    My Mom once told me if i were as tall as other girls, I'd be thin too...?

    Back in the day I was a preschool teacher. We were learning the color white so I pointed to my teeth and asked what color they were. All the kids yelled "YELLOW!!!!!" in unison. Kids never lie. I still need to get mine whitened. but hey, i had braces for 8 yrs so bite me, you mean 4 yr olds!! hhaaa.

    Loved the pic of you cooking- you look so pretty! Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

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  15. Isnt it funny how the mean comments stick with us?
    Like everyone else I've heard some gems, but now before I get all ticked , I decide if it was a thoughtless comment, or there was intention to be hurtful. The people who are intentionally mean have their own issues going on. But lifes too short for that crap.

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  16. Millions of mean comments when I was heavier. I guess they thought I didn't know what size I was and they were just trying to be "helpful". Grrr

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  17. Congratulations on Ken's new job - that is fantastic!! :)

    Glad you had a very happy Thanksgiving!

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  18. An acquaintance wanted to set me up with someone and was selling me on the guy. At the end of her speech, she said, "And the best thing is, well, he doesn't go for skinny women" and kind of made a wink-wink gesture at me. Now, I am not a tiny skinny person but I am fit and not hideous looking. This girl had a history of thoughtless comments so I tried to brush it off but it's (clearly) stuck with me.

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  19. I've probably been on the giving end of hurtful, or sarcastic toned words just as often as I've been on the receiving end.

    Thinking back on certain instances of this makes me cringe. I've got a bad habit of using the "you're stupid" tone of voice that Alanna mentioned above.

    Thanks so much for this post -- I'll remember it and watch my words when the tension is high this holiday season.

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  20. My husband's grandmother (who obviously did not approve of us living together prior to wedlock!) sidled up to me while we were having our wedding day photos taken, and whispered "Should you really be wearing white?!" I actually found it pretty amusing, but was definitely not prepared to hear that little tid-bit!

    Hurray for Ken...It's no small feat to find a job in this market!

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  21. LOL...that is a crazy comment...cant make that uP!

    Prolly the worse thing i was ever told was in highschool...out of nowhere a girl said to me "you are funny looking"...totally caught me offgaurd...messed with me for a while!

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  22. Oh! Sam and Ella! I just got that! Boy, am I slow.

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  23. Oh! Actually, the worst was when I worked at Starbucks and a customer asked me "When are you due?" When I politely explained that I was not, feeling more bad for her than for myself, she said "Are you sure?" What?! I didn't think a person could get a foot further into their mouth!

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  24. I am the one with foot in mouth disorder around here! I always open my mouth and say things that are true, but don't need to be said! I don't think before I talk and it sucks! I am working on it, but it's hard because I open my mouth and it just pops out. Yesterday hubs and I were at odds all day because after my Turkey Trot, which the whole family was sweet enough to brave the cold to come see, he was whining (really he was) that he was starving and I told him to stop whining. Honest, but not necessary, and the conversation went downhill from there.

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  25. Things catch me off guard all the time!!!

    I also had a tooth comment that left me speechless, I always had a gap between my front teeth that no amount of orthodontics could fix. At 17 I met a bff's two sisters on a vacation, and was informed by one of the sisters that the other one described me as "pretty except for the gap in her front teeth" this made me so uncomfortable!! First because why would you say this to someone you just met, and way to dish gossip your sister said to the topic of said gossip! And of course the offending sister found out that I heard what she said and tried to backtrack with "Lauren Hutton has a gap between her teeth also, and she's a model!" But the damage was done. I have since gotten the gap fixed with some $$$$ dental work.

    Some people are a$$hole's who just want to get under other people's skin. This is one major reason why I run, to let it go. Better to leave it on the pavement, then residing in me.
    LOVE YOUR BLOG :)

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  26. My face still breaks out and I'm 40. There's a woman at my work that asks EVERY time I have a pimple "What's that on your face?" I swear one day I'm not going to be able to control it and I'm going to say what I'm thinking, which is "It's a zit you stupid beyotch, is that a suitcase stuck to your ass?"

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  27. Yeah... I am a mom of 12, have a big transracial family, have a child with significant disabilities, have adopted and work with HIV+ kids, and run a lot. I get more comments than I know what to do with.

    My favorite (which was more stupid than mean, but there are plenty of mean ones) was when I was at the park with the kids. A woman asked if the kids were all mine. I said yes (because they are). She looked at them and looked at me and said "Huh. I guess you never know WHAT is hiding out in your genes. Dogs are like that... puppies come out in all different colors all the time." PUPPIES!!

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  28. Some people are just Aholes.

    Lots of mean things have been said to me but I think that when people say shitty things it's really just a representation of their crappy lives and attitudes and has nothing to do with me. I can't choose what comes out of their mouths only my reaction.

    I try to choose not to punch them in the face.

    And remember that they probably have some crappy reason that's making them be mean.

    At least that makes me feel a little better.

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  29. Liked the family pictures. Wish I could have been there. Know the food was excellent. Did you make the "famous stuffing"?

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  30. Anon: yes...famouns stuffing all the way. 2 sticks of butter.

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  31. Oooh! I have one to add to the "pile..."
    My family was at a local festival and I was holding my toddler. A nutty woman came up to me and said... "Is she Yours?" Of course, I said yes, and was already a little dumbfounded, but she REALLY crossed the line when she followed up with "...she's REALLY cute! ... ... must look like Daddy though."

    Ugh. Lady. We're all lucky that that random [very-cute] little toddler happened to be hanging onto me and repeatedly calling me 'Mama.'

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  32. mean people...so not like them.

    yes for me of course.

    1. I used to be big. like 75 lbs bigger. I also used to be in a Moms Club and one day I met these new gals and one of them who was the "California Barbie" kind of girl said to me "oh you must have been pretty when you were younger!"
    hmm thanks?

    2. this year at begining of school year a mom who I dont even know came up to me and said "is it true you lost 100lbs?!" So I said hmm not it was more like 350.

    3. and my dad who I love.. last Christmas they came to visit from Canada and they had not seen me since I had lost the weight, he said that I had lost my "face" and that now I look old with all the lines I have instead of chubby cheeks!

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  33. wow, the tooth thing u say is eerily similar to what i have. my front tooth 'died' in a bike crash and i had the root canal, and even though they tried to whiten it, it still looks wonky. so my mom is CONSTANTLY giving me teeth bleaching things and toothpaste every freaking x-mas. every time i open the presents i cringe and almost just want to throw the toothbrush at her face. :P wow, vent much?! sorry! but stay strong, i think mostly people say things like that and we can only nod and ignore them.

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  34. The mean comments that are directed to you as a kid hurt the most and stay with you for ever. My uncle told me I had ugly fingers for a pianist (I showed him - I gave up!) Some guy told me I looked younger than my sister because I looked 'kinda goofy'. And one of my Mum's friends said that it was just as well I had to wear glasses because it would give her daughter a fighting chance with the boys. The inference being that glasses would make me look uglier (like her daughter - not that I'm being petty)

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  35. i had super scraggly teeth as a kid and they were also discolored, we think from fluoride in the water or something?! and kids would tell me i had pee colored teeth. still remember it.

    still have the kids on my "to TP their house" list at home.

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  36. I like Todd's comment above -- even a meanie can change!

    My dad calls me pudgy all the time, but that's just a family joke -- we are all fit, but carry weight across the middle. It's a body-type thing.

    On the other hand, at the run group I coached in San Diego there was one woman (new to the group) who showed up twice. The first time she was all "I'm a triathlete! Hooray for me!" (Um. Hello, so are the rest of us, sister.) The 2nd (and only other time) she showed up - about 2 months later - she said to me "Wow. You look... better" (meaning slimmer).

    I wish I could report that I had a witty comeback, but I was so completely dumbfounded that anyone would say that to a complete stranger...

    Athletes come in all shapes and sizes!

    PS - Very happy to hear you un-friended cake lady.

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  37. I totally have had this experience...in fact, related to running. This "lady" in a running group that shall remain nameless caught up with me on the run and proceeded to ask me if I knew that I ran funny. No, really, I'm 41, you don't think I know I'm knock kneed and have one leg that kicks out? As if that was not enough, she proceeds to tell me it is "very prominent," and I should consult a doctor because it isn't normal, and well, I just look so funny. Well, I wanted to go home and cry a little. I mean, a running group is supposed to a kind place for other runners to bond, and shouldn't adults be over that mean teasing that occurs when you're a kid? Oh well. What's important is that I'm still running, and I am old enough not to really care what she thinks.

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  38. I have a huge pet peeve when it comes to food. When people look at your plate and make a face or say that gross. That sh*t pisses me off.

    Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that somebody else doesn't. Just keep your mouth shut and enjoy your own meal and don't worry about what the other person is eating.

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  39. I was guilty of saying something rude to a co-worker last week! She's ALWAYS late for work and usually has something offensive to say to my daily, so I commented that I must be late because I got to work at the same time as her! Boy, was she angry! However, she was on time this morning! Just saying...

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  40. Late to the party here. When I was young I had a fever and was given liquid antibiotics that stained my teeth very dark grey. In my 20's I was out at a bar talking to a guy (friend of a friend etc, nothing going on there) when he said 'when was the last time you brushed your teeth? I was mortified and never smiled in public after that until I had veneers put on years later.

    People suck.. ps - you can always bring me cake!!

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  41. Kinda sad that people seem to forget the basics in manners and courtesy

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  42. I was born with a mild case of spina bifida and I'm lucky enough to be able to walk, although it's certainly not a "pretty" gait. I do what I want to do - bike, snow ski, water ski, and I'm beginning to hand cycle and train for a half marathon. I spent some of my freshman year in college on crutches after surgery. A fellow student, who was confined to a wheelchair but could walk with the aid of crutches and rarely did, looked at me one day and said, "You should just get a wheelchair." The comment seemed so hurtful to me but I guess she didn't know how to identify with someone who played more towards ability than disability.

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