They are growing and I cannot stop them. There is nothing I can do. I wish I was talking about my breasts, but alas, it is not the case. I am referring to these folks:
Sam and Emma. Emma and Sam. My offspring. I remember going to Vegas once and having lunch at New York, New York. There was a Sam & Emma sandwich at the NY Deli. I named my kids long before that sandwich, so I considered suing for some kind of name rights, but got distracted by the Wheel of Fortune (WOF) slots and forgot.
I am not kidding. I love the WOF slot machine. And, I don’t even like slot machines. I am strictly a black jack player in Vegas (craps is much to statistical and smart for me, but I am damn good at some BJ – TWSS). Once I was playing BJ at the Hard Rock. I stepped away and put $20 in the dollar WOF slot machine. I won $750. I put it right into my kids college fund or lost it at BJ. I can’t remember which.
I always lay down at the slots machines and pass out. They love it when you do that.
Anyhow, I cannot stop these damn kids from getting older. I cannot paralyze this moment in time and make it stay this way. Nor would I really want to.
I turn around and Sam’s voice is nine octaves lower and he is mentioning taking Driver’s Ed this summer (Yes, you can now do that when you are 14. I will post an alert when Sam is on the road so you can stay home). This year on his birthday, Sam didn’t even want me to get into bed with him to read him the story of the day his was born (I guess that gets creep at 14).
He said, “Mom I kinda know it from the last 14 years. There was a snowstorm. Your water broke. You went to he hospital. You pooped on the table. I came out sunny side up. You and dad had never been so happy, blah, blah, blah.” Sheesh. You’d think he’d at least want to hear it again just to go through the poop part, but no, he’ s over it.
Forever the ham. I have no idea where he got that.
And my dear, sweet Emma. At ten years old she’s caring a lot about whether her pants are skinny or boot cut. She is showing who she is by how she treats the people and animals in her life. This week I saw an email she sent to a friend when the friend’s dog was put to sleep:
“I'm really sorry about Scooter. I know how much you loved her, but things always happen for a reason, so I just wanted you to know,that I'm still there for you no matter what. :)”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t spend my days fixating on my kids getting older. But, every once in awhile I’ll have an experience that slaps me upside the head and reminds me that I cannot stop them. You know how sometimes you aren’t affected by stuff and other times you turn into a puddle of slobbering mess? It must depend on that time of the month or other things going on in your life. It can be random and really take you by surprise (Hallmark commercial anyone?).
At 6:00 a.m.. this morning I took Emma to meet the school bus at a local high school. She was selected to be a “shagger” (ball girl) at the high school state volleyball tournament in Denver for two days. In the dark and cold I stood with her as she waiting to board the bus.
This morning I wasn’t a slobbering mess, but I got that stinging in my nostrils that signals that my eyes are filling up . I knew Emma wouldn’t be gone long. Not like she was leaving for the whole summer or God forbid, college. Yet, I just felt her moving one more small millimeter away from me. I walked away towards my car and turned around to see her looking back at me. I think she felt it a little bit too. Lately, I’ve been just wanting one day, maybe one hour, back. A time when I could cuddle her two-year-old chubby, diapered body in my lap and read her Big Red Barn.
It’s life. You can’t stop it. There are no rewinds or fast forwards. Sometimes you want to skip where you are and jump ahead. Sometimes you want to go back to easier or better days. The truth is if you are wishing it away, fearing for the future, or pining for what was, you are missing today. TODAY. TODAY. I always want to know that I loved and appreciated today. Because when tomorrow comes, everything has changed and nothing is ever quite the same.
If you have kids, do you ever feel like you want to go back to when they were littler, or fast forward to when they are more independent? I don’t really want to go back or forward, I love the ages that my kids are now. It’s just sometimes I get all sentimental and nostalgic.
If you don’t have kids, do you see them in your future?