Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Love Muscle

Yesterday, ten-year-old Emma told me she thought Valentines Day was stupid because why do you just take one day to love people? SO perceptive, my child.

I thought about this for a quick moment. Because I am very wise, I told her it’s not just one day we love people, rather it’s one day we give them all kinds of shit to show our love. She seemed satisfied.

Okay, I didn’t say “shit” because I am mostly a good role model. In fact what I really said was that we love people all the time, but VD is a day to make sure we are letting them know just HOW much we love them.

I actually do love Valentines Day, but that is probably because I am married and have someone to give me stuff and love me back. Even when I did not have “someone,” I still liked the day. I never took it as a reason to wallow in loneliness, but rather a day to have fun with anyone I loved, be it a best friend, a dog or a stranger sitting at the bar in a nice hotel.

I remember one Valentine’s Day in particular, when I was ruthless and mean. I was in my twenties and in a sort of, kind of relationship with a guy named Russell. I lived with a group of girls at the time and behind his back everyone called him “Russell the Love Muscle” (RTLM). I still don’t know if he really had a love muscle, I never saw it.

The most redeeming thing about Russell was that he adored me. I wasn’t used to be adored. In fact, my boyfriend of seven years kept reminding me of that every time he broke up with me (okay I might have been two-timing just a bit). With Russell, I didn't even have to try. He just liked me for me. Problem was, I wasn’t that into him. I was into the “idea” of him. He took me out for nice dinners in his nice car and didn’t even try to get to second base.

On this particular Valentine’s Day, RTLM took me out for a nice dinner in Clyde’s in Georgetown, which is like the fanciest restaurant on the planet when you are in your twenties and poor.  He sat across from me, gazing into my eyes, and I could tell he wanted this time together to mean something. He wanted it to be the springboard for a deep and lasting relationship. I, on the other hand, was excited to have glass of expensive wine and some shrimp cocktail, give this dude a quick peck on the cheek, and get home before Beverly Hills 90210 started.

It was then that RTLM pulled it out. No, he did not pull out the love muscle, thank God. He pulled out the early nineties symbol of love and romance: the MIX TAPE. He had decorated the plastic case with red velvet hearts. I quickly glanced at the play list: Unforgettable, One by U2, Melt with You – all the classics. But then I saw it – the song that didn’t fit with the others. HOT SAUCE by Thomas Dolby.

Cover me in your sauce, baby
Bury me in your sauce
Smother me in all your hot sauce woman
‘Til smoke come from your thighs.

It was then I knew what  I had to do. The love muscle had to go. There would be no smoke coming from my thighs, no smothering of the love muscle with hot sauce.

And, just like that, over a white table cloth and chocolate mousse, I gave RTLM the “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” talk. I broke up with his ass. On Valentines Day. I went home and danced to “Hot Sauce” while watching Brandon and Kelly make out on 90210 and eating lasagna with my room-mate, Jenn. The perfect end to a non-romantic evening.

What’s your most memorable Valentine’s Day?

Any plans for tonight? We have a routine around here. I make the kids heart shaped waffles, bacon and yogurt parfaits. After they go to bed, Ken and I have a steak dinner and a nice bottle of wine in front of the Biggest Loser (thank God Valentines Day falls on Tuesday). How appropriate that Dolvett will be in his nice, tight, red Nike compression– HOT SAUCE. 

Happy Valentines Day to my real honey, Ken. Love you.

SUAR

43 comments:

  1. RTLM. omg that is funny...over the years, i dunno how many mix tapes i've made. i'm sure that most of them died alone, cracked on the floor of some late model Ford Escort or Chevy Citation....
    Since I am married to my highschool sweetheart, though, i now make mix CD's. because i'm cool like that. thing is, they mostly contain the same songs that the tapes did...

    ReplyDelete
  2. RTLM! that's brilliant. we have no routine. I think we might get matching burritos.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sure you could assume he had a love muscle at least, most guys do. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I used to hate Valentines day for the same reason your daughter stated. However, I have learned that with Valentines day comes chocolate :) and I like that.

    I try to love all the time. Chocolate on the other hand - I need an excuse. lol

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG that is the best story ever! I can't think of anything good. I've been with my current husband too long. In a good way! ;)

    Happy Valentine's Day!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Smother me in all your hot sauce woman
    ‘Til smoke come from your thighs.

    HAAAAAAAAAAAA! Thanks for that. I am literally laughing out loud. Poor Russell. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Russell has never been the same. He still talks about that night.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Okay...I seriously never laughed so hard over a blog post before!!!! So wish I could have been eavesdropping at the table next to you! lmao

    ReplyDelete
  9. Okay...I seriously never laughed so hard over a blog post before!!!! So wish I could have been eavesdropping at the table next to you! lmao

    ReplyDelete
  10. That was awesome, your daughter, your break up story.

    I used to hate valentine's day, i thought it was mainly b/c I did not have a boyfriend. Took years to realize it was b/c back then, i did not have love.

    Nowadays, we do something for V-day, but never on V-day anymore. BTDT.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I LOVE your V-Day plans!!! Mine will be about the same minus the hubs-- he has to work.
    Enjoy!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Interestinly, it took until my current boyfriend to actually be dating someone during Valentine's Day. I don't know though... I don't really count any holiday thatI don't get the day off from work. This is why I love President's Day. Ahhh. I need to send out President's Day cards.

    I use to have an "Anti-Valentine's Day" party... friends who were in relationships could come if they pretended to not like eachother, and I would make cupcakes with things like "VD" and "IH8U" in icing on the top. They were a pretty good time.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Too funny! I have no v-day routine, tonight I'm going running while the husband watches the baby, so romantic!

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG...I have no words for this one!

    those lyrics...seriously? That's a great story and I am still laughing!

    Poor guy, he probably never saw it coming...literally:)

    ReplyDelete
  15. haha...Russell the Love Muscle. I am in love with this post.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Lord. Can't make this funny crap up. Would love to hear about a real memorable V-day with your actual love connection.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I seem to be the only person who doesn't have a Valentine traditional meal. My girlfriend makes a heart shaped meat loaf and pink mashed potatoes. She is a GREAT mom and goes all out for everything. This year she's stumped with two vegetarian children. I suggested a to-loaf (you know...like tofurkey) and she could reassure them she removed the toe jam...

    yeah, I don't get out much...

    ReplyDelete
  18. We're doing the post-bedtime dinner thing too. Mostly, we're enjoying what is likely to be the last year before we're expected to provide cards and treats for 30 other kids!

    ReplyDelete
  19. We always buy the cheapest tackiest gifts we can find from the local Walgreens (like a CVS). We save the real gifts for birthdays or random days!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh hilarious. I've always loved Valentine's Day, mainly because of the candy aspect. One year I got a secret-admirer Valentine, and that was cool, although a little creepy. I mean, he gave me a dozen roses. That's a bit much for a secret admirer, don't you think???

    ReplyDelete
  21. Poor Russell! That story literally made me laugh out loud :) And now I'm having mixed tape flashbacks!

    I tend to boycott Valentine's Day - we'll do post-kids-to-bed dinner wine & sushi.

    ReplyDelete
  22. great story! I started my day with a run with my dog, bailey. because there's NOTHING like unconditional love from your dog. tonight after work, I'll make a nice roast chicken dinner for my husband and 4-yr old son, drink some red wine, and (hopefully) eat a few chocolates that said husband and son (hopefully) bought for me. a nice family evening at home. and bailey gets some chicken too :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Poor Russell and his love muscle still gets a nervous twitch every time the calendar hits Feb 14.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hey Lady that swoosh is Nike not Under Armour. I'm sure Phil Knight and the billions he spent on that swoosh would not be happy.....

    ReplyDelete
  25. no..no..no...girl you must check out the love muscle that was left on my yard THIS morning!

    I will be posting a picture of it tomorrow!

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  26. My most memorable was 9 years ago. I FINALLY gave birth to our first after 31 hours of labor. Not something anyone could ever forget!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jason: crap, you're too observant, now I have to go back and change it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. HA HA HA!!!! Just like hanging up diplomas and shades for a lamp that is actually a votice candle holder and not a lamp but hey we are observant.

    ReplyDelete
  29. most memorable: cannot be beat EVER..my poor husband I dont know why he did this to HIMSELF but in 2000 we were still "dating long distance" me living in Quebec Canada and him here in So Cal. He showed up at my work on Valentine's Day. As a surprise. it was his 2nd time visiting me, he had never been to my work place before, he had to contact my boss to ask for a couple days off for ME, he had never met my boss, he asked my brother who he did not know to come pick him up at the airport and drive him to my work. He showed up with roses at lunch time! I wish someone would have taken a picture of my face when I saw him !!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. What a nice tradition:) My hubby is out of town so I will have to do something for dindin with my 2 boys after my youngest son's indoor soccer game. So romantic!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Happy Vampire's Day!

    I've never liked this Hallmark Holiday, but I will make brownies later. That's enough chocolate for anybody.

    ReplyDelete
  32. What a smart child, and I tend to agree!!!! But sounds like you have lovely plans!!!! Happy Valentines day to you!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. RTLM reminds me of my daughter's ex-boyfriend. I was stunned when she broke up with him last summer after 2 years (I adore the kid still miss him!)...she said she was more into the idea of him than she was of him. Broke my heart. Haha. She didn't break up with him on Valentine's Day though ;).

    ReplyDelete
  34. Best.Story.Ever!! I am cracking UP over here. Today's my b'day, so of course I love V'day, always have. I always expect double gifts and do fairly well at that. I had a very chill day, w/ my 2 kids driving me up the wall. Hubbs came home and we got into a fairly nice fight, w/ tears and all. Made up and went to Ihop, bc I'm on a special "low residue" diet for 4 more weeks, but i can still eat crap like choc chip pancakes! (score!)...came home and found my last gift....The Breville Juice fountain!!!!!!!!!OMG!!! I felt like the Biggest Loser after that! I dont have many bad memories of v'day, but today def rocked it. Yes, getting a juicer turns me on! And, thanks for the eye candy!!!! DOLVETT!!! Wonder what he's up to tonight;)

    ReplyDelete
  35. My most memorable Valentine's Day would be all of them growing up. My father was the sweetest man ever! He always gave my sister and I flowers and a heart shaped box of chocolates. Oh how I miss him! Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family! <3

    ReplyDelete
  36. So did you watch TBL? If not, don't read my comment. But I totally swooned when dolvett was baby-sitting. That smile and good with kids?!?!?! I've never really watched the show before but I'm hooked, just so I can stare at him for a few minutes each week. Such a hottie.

    ReplyDelete
  37. So few people today know the importance of the 'mix tape'. My old boss brought in a CD of his music, we are buddies, just friends (honestly, he's married) so when I screamed "OMG you brought me a mixed tape, you MUST love me", we both died laughing while the young people around us sat with a blank stare on their faces..

    ReplyDelete
  38. I schlepped to RiteAid at lunch yesterday to get hubby a card & chocolate. I felt so judged as I stood in line with all the guys last minute shopping (females are supposed to do better, right?). Chuckled at the guy who literally had 7 of the biggest heart shaped boxes of candies. Guess he had a hot night planned! Then we went for a romantic dinner for 3 at the local chinese dive. Gave GPS's to the (teenage) kids because "I love them and don't want to lose them." I'm not really into Valentine's day but I try to fake it because it means something to the ones I love.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I so get the "idea of someone" comment! And sometimes it is just nice to be adored. In our super-poor 20s, my girlfriend and I called it "dating for dinner." We couldn't really afford anything more than Ramen noodles so we would try to have a nice dinner date at least every other night. Sounds sleazy now, but at the time we thought we were very practical.

    ReplyDelete
  40. That's a hilarious story! I think we've all ended up on some kind of date like that but I could imagine every second of that. The picture of Dolvette at the end was the best. Whoever ends up with him on V Day has got to be lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  41. My husband and I are total VD slackers...when it comes to buying stuff for each other that is. Last night we watched The Waltons on DVD...the awesome episode where daddy refuses to get baptized and it really pisses off mama, but since Ben and MaryEllen do take Jesus into their hearts she gets over it...until the next revival anyway. And then we had sex.

    Most memorable Valentines Day? Has to be when my boyfriend told me that he didn't want me to come over because we had "just seen each other last week." And since he didn't have the balls to just say "it's over"...I did :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. LMFAO! OMGG! I lauged so hard in my office; people come and check on me when I laugh until I cry! How did I miss this post? Oh yes, I was enjoying my valentines day with my husband and 6 year old. I made heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes with heart shaped bananas, for breakfast for my 6 year old; heart shaped sandwiches with Nutella and strawberry jelly, raspberry jello and two kisses attached to a Valentine note!
    I made lasagna for my husband and we enjoyed a nice evening.

    The worst Valentines Day was with my then boyfriend; and yes NOW husband, he came over to my apartment and broke up with me on Valentines Day; I was so pissed...however, must have forgave him because he's all mine now!

    ReplyDelete