Thursday, February 23, 2012

Parents Are a Bunch of Liars

I am off to run in the screaming wind and cold because this blog is not called Shut Up and Sit On Your Ass When the Weather Sucks. But, before I do that…

It was a birthday of perfection and I have not one picture to prove it (well, maybe ONE). A real and true blogger would have been taking pictures of every morsel of food, every gift unwrapped, every trip to the bathroom. Not me. I got one stinking picture, and it was this crappy one of the vast amounts of sushi we consumed last night (the best ones were the shrimp tempura rolls in the middle in case you were wondering):

sushi

I like photos on my blog as much as the next guy. I can’t help but feel, however, that when I spend time with people and my priority is getting pictures for the blog, I’m distracted. Or, maybe I’m just lazy and that’s my excuse. Plus, you can always steal pictures from other blogs or Google images and pretend they are yours. I’m sure it breaks a copyright law or two, but I like living on the edge. For example, here is the cake we ate, kind of. I did not take this picture, it is not my cake, and that is not my hand. But my cake looked exactly like this. If you click on the photo, you will see where I got the picture, so I am not stealing.

RVcake2

This was cute: Last night before bed Sam asked if I wanted him to tell me the story of the day I was born. On my kid’s birthdays I always lay with them at night and tell about all of the blood, screaming, sweating and cussing that led up to their graceful emergence from my body and other sordid and fabulous details about the days they were born. Sam has no clue about anything that happened on the day I was born (except that the angels SUNG), but it was a nice offer.

One of the deep family discussions that came up yesterday was this:

Sam: Mom, did you know if you eat candy right before bed, you have nightmares?
Me: That is so not true. I eat 56 Jelly Bellies every night, in bed, and never have nightmares.
Sam: Well, I read it somewhere. I’m sure it’s true.
MeI think that’s a lie made up by dentists or parents**.

I started thinking about lying to kids. We all do it. My parents did it. We tell white lies so that we can encourage better behavior, or to shut kids up. You can call them “myths,” I call them “lies.” Like my dad telling me it cost 5¢ every time I flicked the light switch on or off. I am guessing this annoyed the hell out of him, and for good reason. But, 5¢? Where did he get that number and how? Did he call the electric company and put in a formal request asking how much it cost to flick the lights at our address?

I lie to my kids too and not just about the tooth fairy and Santa. We have a county fair that comes to town every July. For the rest of the year my then-three-year-old would ask where the fair went. I tried explaining in my best grown up-to-child vernacular that the fair only comes once a year, then packs up and comes back the next year. This clearly wasn’t satisfying her, so the 125th time she asked, I told her that the fair went into a box and under the bed. I told her it would get opened in July and that is when we would go again. Slam dunk. No more questions. I don’t know what was wrong with her, but she never asked which bed the box was under and never asked to see the box. She never wondered how it was possible to have a box so big to fit the whole fair in it or how it was possible to wedge said box under the bed. Like I said, slam dunk. Kids are such easy targets.

I also told my kids that if they kicked the seat on the airplane the pilot would beat them up or throw them out the emergency exit door.

Other common “myths” told by parents that are bullsh!t (from HERE):

  • If you crack your knuckles, you’ll get arthritis
  • Coffee will stunt your growth
  • If you go out with wet hair, you’ll get sick.
  • If you sneeze with your eyes open, they will fall out (what? this is new to me)
  • Crossing your eyes will make you go cross-eyed
  • Carrots help you see in the dark

Do you tell little lies to your kids? Did your parents lie to you? If you are still waiting to 30 minutes to swim after you eat or are waiting for your gum to digest after 7 years, you’ve been had.

SUAR

**Turns out there is some truth to this!! But it’s not just candy. It’s more that if you sleep on a full stomach of anything, particularly junk food, brain stimulation is increased thereby causing nightmares.

56 comments:

  1. I am sure there are many white lies that I told my son. I mean I am a parent after all! I just can't remember any specific ones right now. The would be old-heimers kicking plus deniability should he ask about something I might or might now have said!

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  2. We were always told that Coke will rot your teeth. A second grade teacher had us all do an experiment when we lost a tooth. We put it in a medicine bottle full of Coke. I swear to you in 2 weeks that tooth has disintegrated into almost nothing. So that wives' tale is true. To this day, I feel guilty when I drink a soda. Alcohol however, I consider an antiseptic and I shall never ever do any experiment with it! Lol.

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    1. Of course, there was no saliva in the medicine bottle to counteract the acidity of the Coke...not to mention the fact that few of us hold a drink of Coke in our mouths longer than a second or three.

      That would be one of things that is true....but not true in a real world application.


      But IF it was true, and each mouthful is in our mouth for three seconds, and each can of Coke has 12 mouthfuls....then someone who had 3 Cokes a day, everyday of the year (at least on average), would have absolutely no teeth in a little over 30 years.

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  3. Actually I haven't told them things like that. I actually correct them when they say it or even my hubs tries it :)

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  4. I lie to my kids and I am not ashamed. "If you keep making that face it's gonna freeze that way."

    My mother lied to me too & I still think she's awesome. Frankly, I like believing that she was a virgin until my conception. It's fine.

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  5. My mom used to tell me when I got a canker sore on my tongue, it was because I told a lie. I'd spend hours trying to figure out the lie I told.

    I suspect my mom's tongue was filled with canker sores! ;)

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  6. I tell my teenagers that they are finally old enough to know the truth.....they are NOT really my children, I found them on the doorstep, and they need to stop calling me "Mom". But for some reason they are not buying it....

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  7. Your blog is delightful, you make me laugh nearly everyday. (and that's not a lie) Happy Birthday. My mother didn't need to lie because my old German grandmother lived with us. She thought the Holocaust "was a lot of bunk" so I'll let you imagine all the crazy shit she put into our heads over the years.

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  8. Okay, first~ if our CO school district closes school due to wind then I take that as permission I don't have to run in it (let the ridicule begin) and second, of course I lie to my kids! The most frequent one is "They're not home" when my 6 year old wants to call and invite over her little friend that is a holy terror.

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    1. I just ran in this crap. It was a killer workout and annoying.

      I love "they're not home." Totally going to use that.

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    2. I ran in this crap too. It sucked. But when I do stuff like this, it makes me feel like a "real" runner. Why don't I feel like that when its sunny and gorgeous out? Why does it have to suck to feel "real"?

      I'm totally stealing the "they're not home" excuse!! Why didn't I think of that?

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  9. no wonder i was having nightmares while visiting friends in michigan. we ate so much crap every night!

    and my parents def lied to me all the damn time. i though for sure i was growing an orange in my stomach when i swallowed orange seeds!

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  10. Lying to your kids is a requirement as a parent, isn't it? I thought it was an unwritten law. I told my daughter that I had eyes in the back of my head because somehow I caught her when she was doing something wrong (probably not every time, but enough to make her wonder). She's a mom now, and she totally understands that!

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    1. Now that I think about it, I told my kids that too. When they start driving I'm going to tell them there's a secret camera hidden in the car documenting every thing they do.

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    2. This totally worked for me...... once when I was warming some thing up in the microwave and the kiddos were screwing around "quietly" at the island/bar behind me...I saw the reflection in the door of the microwave and told them to quit doing whatever it was b/c I could see them with the eyes in the back of my head. ;-)

      Boy (7) at the time says: You must really have them to see that!!!

      Bwahahah! I had to give in and tell the truth I was laughing so hard.

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  11. They are not lies but instead disciplinary rationale.

    How much harder can you try when the 300th why is asked? At that point I tell the kid to google the f'n thing I'm tired of explaining it.

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  12. A couple of years ago before Christmas my then 6 year old suddenly panicked when he realized that Santa would not be able to come down the chimney and out of our new gas insert fireplace... I told him that there's a secret hatch in the back and a special door that opens the glass from the inside so Santa can get through. He seemed satisfied with that! The fireplace is really small, but Santa was just on the Biggest Loser so it shouldn't be a problem ;)

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  13. Just last night Jane found her 'Santa List' in my vanity drawer. (DA for not hiding it better) She was in tears saying "Santa was supposed to take this." I said, gosh Jane "Those are receipts. Santa can't print one off on the fly with reindeer waiting and all. Besides he knows how much those lists mean to mothers. You find all this out when you are a mother." Good one.

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    1. You are amazing pulling that out of your ass on the spot.Genius!

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    2. Makes me think I'd better find a better finding place for those baby teeth, huh?

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    3. Precisely why my son's baby teeth went into the trash!

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  14. Lie sounds so ugly. I prefer selective constructive misstatement. Kids are easy targets, but are also (usually) wonderfully unfiltered in expressing what they think. Makes for a great mix of magical and intensely awkward moments.

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  15. Biggest one I fell for was that pee would turn red in a swimming pool!

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  16. I have heard all of those and then some! My older brother started using them too! Little did they know, I was smarter than all of them!

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  17. Okay for all the parents who have commented that they don't lie to their kids, I'd like to know how their children can walk around with their eyes open (whether it be that they see "it" on tv or see that one of their friends have "it") and not ask that you get them "it." (This happens a lot in the 3 - 5 age group) LBM askes for everything he sees. After the 634th time of him asking for another "it" I just started telling him, yes. Sure. Okay. That sounds great. You beat. Are all lying responses to the will you get it for me question. So to the parent who don't lie, do your kids not ask? Or do you just wear ear plugs?
    I don't remember my parents doing much more than the Easter Bunny and Santa kinda lying but they did always tell me if I played in the corn fields I'd get lost. Turns out I was right, if you just walk in a straight line you eventually find your way out...in the dark but out. ;-)

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  18. My fav is from a friend of my mom's years ago - if you sit on cold concrete, you'll get diarrhea. What?
    And yes, I lie to my kids. I'm saving for therapy instead of college.

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    1. Okay, I am seriously LMAO right now. Cold concrete = diarrhea?? That is classic. And SO random.

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  19. My youngest is three and believe showers are for playing and not washing..I recently told her if she didn't wash bugs would be abe to smell her and come and give her kisses. She has sinced cooperated on the washing.I did feel bad about it.. but it got the job done.

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  20. Sushi and red velvet cake. Perfect!

    My gosh--the damn wait for an hour (yes, it was an hour at my house) rule sucked! I lived on a lake and swam every day. But every day I had to sit there for an hour while my friends were already in the water. I still complain to my parents about it!

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  21. My best (busted) lie: We were potty training my then-3-year-old son right before a trip to Disney World. I said, "Honey, I don't think Mickey Mouse will let you stay at his house if you don't poop on the potty." His reply, "Well, you better call and find out!" This led to what is referred to in our home as the "Columbia Harbour House Incident of 2005". Link: http://www.longdazeshortyears.blogspot.com/2010/07/trip-4-harbour-house-incident.html

    There's public poop involved, so you'll probably enjoy the story.

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  22. Man, I don't know if my dad lied but, I heard the old story of him having to sleep on 2 saw horses put together and a piece of ply wood for a bed....when ever we complained about life being hard....so he could tell us how good we have it.

    When I was old enough I finally asked grandma about that one....she died laughing (not really...she turns 94 today! ;-)

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  23. When I was pregnant with my third my older kids caught me eating Rolos. I live for candy and this was before the ~you're allergic to chocolate and life as you know it will never be the same~ moment. They wanted some and I didn't want to share. So I told them that if you eat them and you AREN'T pregnant it turns your ears green. They completely believed me. For the record, these are kids that question EVERYTHING.

    Same boy...now driving 10 years later. A friend passes him and catches him speeding. So I call him out. He says, "you have spies on me?" Oh I so ran with that. I convinced him I had people EVERYWHERE watching him and they would report back every day on where he was, was he wearing his seatbelt, how many kids were in the car and how fast was he going. Good stuff.

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  24. btw...I was definitely told it was $.05 for every flick of the light switch.

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  25. When little white lies go bad ...

    When I was a kid my Dad, just like yours, used to tell me that it costs 5 cents every time you flicked the light switch on or off. It was a guilt trip he laid on us that I took seriously.

    I went to Catholic School (very strict) and we had a nun teacher(Sister Elizabeth) who, to get our attention, would flick the lights on and off like 50x when we were all talking. So you see where this is going, one day she starts flicking the lights and I was sitting right next to the light switch and I sat there saying, "5cents, 5cents,5cents ......etc". It did not go over well with her as she whacked me with a pointer and sent me to the principles office.

    I explained to the principle how I was trying to let Sister Elizabeth understand the costs of flicking the lights on and off like that!

    Can't remember is I ended up in detention (the reasons for this have all blended together) or not but it was all my dad's fault.

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    1. That story is hilarious. The 5 cent rule taken to a whole new level. Sister Elizabeth needed to be put in her place. She should have to pay five cents for each time she wacked you.

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  26. "this blog is not called Shut Up and Sit On Your Ass When the Weather Sucks." Seriously made me laugh so hard! I went running yesterday afternoon in the howling wind and as I was trying not to be blown over I was just thinking, "shut up and run, just shut up and run" I just kept going and it was tough but it felt awesome.
    Glad you had a great birthday!

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  27. I know my parents lied to us. At least, my dad did. My mom takes pride in the fact that she never "lied" to us about Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc, just let my dad take the fall and didn't argue. I've been known to lie to my own children, though I can't think of any good stories right now.

    The fairy/tooth fairy thing, though. Ugh. Today the speech teacher was in my class doing a group lesson, and one of the activities was to sort things into real/not real groups. The first picture was a fairy, and one of the boys wanted to put it into the "real" group (their in 1st grade, but he was just being a little shit, doesn't believe in fairies). Then, one of the girls says, "But the tooth fairy is real..." at which point the speech teacher let them leave the fairy in the real column. I cringed in the background.

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  28. I ate my crusts religiously to get curly hair. I still eat my crusts but I know that the only hope for curls in my hair is a curling wand or a perm - and I refuse to go back to the 80s.

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  29. If you don't wash your hands you will die from germs - my hand were perminately chapped as a child. I only wash 100-200 times a day now. My mother told me You will grow out of having Pimples - yep I'm 47 and have a big one on my chin right now...at what age de we out of them? she also told me If you eat cookie dough you will get worms..she still says this, so I asked her how Dairy Queen gets away with the cookie dough blizzard, she replied, that's why I don't eat those things. I tell my grandkids the most bizar tails I can think of I get a sick sort of pleasure out of it when they go aske there mother if its true.

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    1. You are killing me!! I have to say I LOVE the cookie dough/worm thing. Classic, random, how did she come up with that??????????

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  30. HAHHAH! I try to tell myself the gum this is a huge lie, but i still can't and won't swallow gum!

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  31. Oh my god I am going crazy over the nightmare thing!! I am on vacation this week and have been staying up late and eating junk before bed. I had crazy nightmares earlier in the week and couldn't figure out why!

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    1. Guess you have your answer. I never knew that either.

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  32. Not to be all creepy BUT I've been reading your blog for probably 2 years (uh-um not to brag or be totally a lame I was the 1000th follower of SUAR. yes, I am owing that) anyway...your kids are getting so grown up looking. Going from kids to kind of teenager looking. So you must be getting older too. Congrats on moving up to the 45 yr group! I have 2.5 more years till 40 (please BQ please BQ)

    Happy Birf-day!

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  33. Ok, I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner and first of all I don't lie to my kids...but a ton of my patient's parents do: "if you aren't good...don't eat your vegetables...don't get good grades...don't take drugs..etc... she's going to give you a shot". To which I say, "Um no". I don't play that game...I tell the kids what the shots are for...and tell them to behave...but don't make me the bad guy!

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  34. I'm a 2nd grade teacher. I lie all the time. I have to stay smarter than the kids in "Silicone Valley" Colorado. ;)

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  35. No, my parents did not lie to me and sometimes I wish they did, just so I could feel that magic of childhood a little longer.

    I try not to lie, but I will with regards to Santa. We don't really talk about the Easter bunny or the tooth fairy or anyone else...yet.

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  36. Shut the FRONT DOOR... carrots won't make me see in the dark????? WTF!!!
    Seriously though, I'm a FULL disclosure, FULL truth parent of an almost 14 year old daughter, and I LOVE it. There is NOTHING better in this whole wide world than driving down the road while explaining how to insert a tampon to a 13 year old. The look on her face is just too priceless.
    haha!!

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  37. Besides the usual Santa, Toothfairy, Easter Bunny. I recall one lie that was told to me by and adult but I can't remember if it was my parents. That if you swallow watermelon seeds, they will grow in your stomach. I was so afraid the day I swallowed some seeds haha. By the way I so want sushi now! Spicy salmon rolls come to mama...

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  38. My parents told us you grow a gum tree, not the traditional 7 years thing. And that if you eat pop corn when you have to go to the bathroom, it will soak up the pee.

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  39. There's a reason there are few personal photos on my blog - I realized that spending so much time trying to catch a moment typically results in missing several moments.

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  40. LOL! I heard the "It costs me $.05 every time you flick the light switch" too! I'd forgotten that, thanks for the laugh!

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  41. Everyone lies to their kids- from the standards about Santa and the tooth fairy to little lies like "sorry, that toy must have gotten lost" when you really got rid of it because no one played with it anymore. Once it was the middle of winter and it was cold and windy and my then-18 month old wouldn't get in her carseat, so after about 5 mintues I told her that if she didn't get in the wind would blow her away. She's now 7 and to this day she's scared of wind. Guess you have to be more careful what you tell your kids.

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  42. I never remember to take pictures for my blog. I'm always too caught up in the moment to think about my blog. I often steal other people's images of things like chocolate cake or a path I ran on. Oh well! :)

    My sister lies to my niece so much! When she wanted to ride a carnival ride one more time on the fourth of july my sister told her we had to run back to the car because there was a fire at the carnival. That scared the crap out of my niece. She's a little whacky -- and has some odd parenting techniques.

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