Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Last Day

I have a confession. Don’t you love my confessions? Sometimes they are things like “I run with scissors,” and other times they involve the smallest of sharts.

Today’s confession is this: I honestly thought you guys were going to call me a pussy when I told you about my experience at masters swim yesterday. I thought you might tell me I needed too much coddling and needed to put on my big girl panties. But you didn't. You came to my defense just when I needed it most and for that I thank you.

Today when I left my spin class I picked up the newest “Competitor” magazine. On the front cover is the enticing and relevant headline, “ Conquer Your Fear of Masters Swimming.” And inside, I found this tidbit about going to your first class:


Hmmm…didn't quite go that way. But, it is time to move on from all of this and find another class or at least join a fourth grade swim team. Because I would kick all of their asses.

The kids are out of school for summer. We are done. What the hell? We used to go to school from Memorial Day until Labor Day. Kids have it so easy these days. I also used to crawl to school pulling a 200 pound wagon of cow manure to put on the farm fields next to the school. Naked. In snowstorms. Without any arms or legs (Matt? Bob?). No coddling here.

I am popping the sedatives, getting ready for lots of condensed family togetherness. Truth be told, I joke about the hardships of being a mother, but I really like being around my kids most of the time. And usually they like being around me. Or so they say. I don't know what they tell their therapists behind my back.

Today my son had his 7th grade picnic. I broke into dance when I walked into a  classroom where some girls were doing that Xbox Kinnect dance thing. Sam said, “Mom, please don’t dance,” knowing full well that I would. And I did. Life is too short to not dance and not embarrass children.

Then I did fart while walking with my son and his friend to the car. Get used to it. It’s summer. I fart all day long. It hurts too much to hold it. Today in spin class I had to get out of the seat on a downhill to fart. I just acted like I always did that.

Last night a film festival at school. Sam walked the red carpet in his red velour thrift store suit. We’re all class around here.


I want YOU to dare to wear this jacket.



  1. That Sam cracks me up! That jacket is STYLIN'... with the apostrophe!

    Ummm... the armless legless jokes are among my favorites. All class over here, too.

  2. Life is too short to not dance and not embarrass children.

    Classic! I so just tweeted that!

  3. Summer vacation already! Man, I miss those days!

    Sam is a hoot!

  4. No one will ever wear that jacket like him.. smokin!!!!!!

  5. Sam is THE coolest! He is my Ron Burgundy!! Love it!

    Going to read about your Master's swim now.

  6. I'd so wear that jacket.

    I'm wearing it in Vegas.

    red velour blazer.


  7. I have a confession too...I just opened up an ice cream bar at work, dropped it on the floor and ate it anyways. I am not ashamed!

    Your son is a stud!

  8. i confess that i love that you talk about farting on your blog.

  9. Gosh, how can your kids NOT be total studs with tons of character?!

  10. I would almost go back to the seventh grade if I could take summers off. Why didn't I become a teacher?

  11. RED VELOUR? I would so weat that.


  12. Dying at the farts.... I think we are long lost sisters. I fart more than anyone in this house. My kids are all, "MOM! Why do you fart so much?!?!"

    That's how I roll, yo.

  13. I just saw that you are reading Firefly Lane. Now, I must say, I almost NEVER read books like this. A friend recommended it and although I thought it sounded cheesy, I gave it a shot. I wound up bawling my eyes out and I m ade Angela read the ending aloud to me because I couldn't see through my tears. I guess it is really important not to judge a book by its cover. I thought it was just a crappy piece of chick lit and it touched me in a tremendous way. So there you have it!

    I have missed you and your crazy antics! I feel like I have so much to catch up on with you. It's as though you're a friend I haven't seen in ages and we need a seriously long coffee date. Damn- why do you have to live all the way in CO?

  14. Love the farting! I agree, it hurts not to fart! I can't do it! I try to stand downwind of everyone and make it as quiet as possible. If there's a dog around, I totally blame it on him.

  15. how the hell are your kids out already?! i never got out earlier than june 22. and that was a year with no snow days.

    awesome jacket by the way

  16. "Get used to it. It’s summer. I fart all day long." hahaha!!!

  17. What the hell school is out already. It isn't June yet. I suppose the next thing you'll tell me is they switched over to pass/fail because "grading kids on performance might hurt someones self-esteem". Education rant over. You are your kids mother (shocking revelation there); you are supposed to embarrass them from time to time. Next time you fart while walking your son to the car with his friend blame it on your son.

  18. It's your sworn duty as a mother to embarrass your kids. If you don't embarrass them you're not doing it right and they'll never develop resilience ie. a spine! So dance as much as you want in public especially if their friends are around.

  19. Awesome jacket. I bet your family has so much fun together.

    Maybe you need to take that Competitor article to your loser coach... and knock him into the pool with it. ;)

    Back when you were in school were you friends with Eileen... you know the one whose legs were different lengths.

  20. Dancing... Farting.. Embarrassing your kids..
    BEST Post ever.. even better than peeping tom

    Soooo... whats the word??? CLASSY :)

  21. No, you are not a pussy at all. You are a person trying to get better and that a-hole couldn't see that. F him. Yes, I get pissed about these things b/c rude is no way to go through life.

    I actually thought about this today during my swim this morning and it was making me mad even more. Go find a masters coach that will be more helpful and that dude will get his just due.

    What do you call a dude with no arms or legs against a wall? Art!!!!

  22. Now I am totally bummed that I did NOT buy the plum velour jacket I came across myself at the thrift store last week!!!

    He is awesome.

  23. I confess i have a tshirt that says "runs with scissors".
    You forgot to add crawl to school pulling a 200 pound wagon of cow manure to put on the farm fields next to the school. Naked. In snowstorms. UPHILL both ways.
    Have a great holiday weekend

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