Monday, November 14, 2011

Miserable at “Les Miserables”

A commenter on yesterday's post said I was “gross and needed to grow up.”  Clearly this anonymous person is jealous that they are not as gross or immature as I am. They probably pee sitting down, never fart and wouldn’t dream of using the word “penis” in a sentence. Good for them. Each to his own.

But…so freaking boring I can’t stand it.

Moving on to more interesting topics that will confirm my grossness and immaturity…

After yesterday’s run my stomach was unsettled. Nothing major, just some gas. The kids and I were meeting my parents to see the play “Les Miserables” (one of my personal faves) and I worried a bit about the fart factor. If you have seen “Les Miz,” you know it is LONG.

Despite the fact that most of what we worry about does not happen, this did not prove true yesterday. Immediately into the first song of the first half I was using all of my strength to hold stuff in. I was seated in the middle of the row, so no quick exit was possible. I sat between Emma and some older gentleman. I knew I could not just let stuff fly. Every once in awhile when the audience clapped or it was a particularly loud scene, I would try to get something out. But, the timing was never quite right.

1-½hours in, it was finally intermission time. I was so thankful it was like an early Thanksgiving. I excused myself quickly. By this time my stomach hurt so bad from holding air in that I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I desperately tried to get things moving, to no avail.I bought a Blow Pop and returned to my seat.  I told my kids and my dad what the problem was. They didn’t seem to have much sympathy. As I squeezed by my dad to get to his seat, he held his nose. Nice.

I did okay for the first couple of songs in the second act. But, after that I could no longer hold it in. I put my program on my lap, as a makeshift stifling mechanism, and just let it go. It was not loud.

Emma turned to me in disgust waving her hand dramatically in front of her face, saying “Ewww.” I shushed her. This was no place to be making a scene. I then heard the woman behind me turn to her friend and whisper, “Did you fart?” This sent me into my own private hysterics. The only good thing about farting in a sea of people is no one really knows it’s you. They can suspect, but they can’t really know for sure.

Farts aside, the show was incredible. After you see a musical, I find you are always speaking in a singing voice. This is very annoying to everyone around you, but it is to be expected.

Ever get “trapped” on a plane, during a show, at church, etc?

Ever seen “Les Miz?” What’s your favorite musical of all time?

SUAR

46 comments:

  1. I officially LOVE you! And as for that person yesterday, they can stop reading whenever they want!

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  2. I was flying back and forth to Asia for the last three years...it's an 18 hour flight...you do the math...you can only hold for so long. As for musicals I enjoyed Evita (please no removing man-points from my card)

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  3. I payed good money many years ago to see that play. I can't tell you anything about it because I drank too much prior and had to watch it with one eye closed because I was seeing double.

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  4. Okay, I have to confess.... I never have the guts to put this stuff out there on my own blog, but I can clear my conscience here. :) When Hubs and I saw Wicked last winter, I was particularly gassy and let one go as the crowd flowed into the theatre, thinking nobody would even notice. WELL it was a stinker!! People everywhere were crinkling their noses and looking around in disgust. Naturally, I had to play along.... but then I knew I'd have to hold them in for the duration of the show. I feel your pain!

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  5. I was stuck in the window seat on a flight home from England many years ago. The man in the seat in front of me ripped the most noxious farts for the entire six hour flight. I kept wishing for the little oxygen mask to drop down from the ceiling....

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  6. OH Marlene, I feel your pain. But that is REALLY funny.

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  7. Les Mis is my favorite book of all time and I really love the musical. Even you farting couldn't ruin it for me.

    As for the commenter... I just don't get why people need to be rude like that. If you don't like it move on but don't make people feel bad. I think you are hilarious so maybe I need to grow up too, but like you said that would be sooo boring. Thank you for writing gross stuff that makes me laugh!

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  8. I don't think I've seen a musical I haven't liked, but I'm partial to Phantom of the Opera.

    Unfortunately, my gassy episodes seem to happen the most at work. Worst ever was a night crew with only a few people on shift! Note to self: never eat Brussels Sprouts if I'm not in the company of friends afterwards... My husband's funniest (to me, at least) let-'er-rip moment was in a Safeway. He purposely wandered down a separate aisle, but then a guy came around the corner and started coughing. Glad I wasn't there!

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  9. The fact that you can control them just amazes me....I rarley can control it..SBD.

    And to Anon...I'm grateful for a place (your blog) that allows a person to fess up to these things and realize they are not alone.

    Thanks Beth. :)

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  10. I live with Capt Fart. Nothing surprises me anymore.
    It is all still funny though....

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  11. I love Les Mis! I have probably had the fart situation at a Les Mis concert as well. I mean I have everywhere else. Damn IBS!

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  12. I have been trapped on a plane and in a work meeting when my tummy was not happy, not a good place to be!! I am glad you feel comfortable enough to share the things that most of us are too shy to say, until we see that everyone has those issues! Thanks for making me feel more normal in my gassiness!
    I've never been to a musical, I've always wanted to but we're in the boonies so there is nothing close by.

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  13. My husband is the airspace bandit in our family. He can't NOT fart in public, I swear. Planes are the WORST, in my opinion. He always tries to blame it on whatever child is in diapers at the time.

    Loved Wicked. It was the first time my kids had ever seen live theater.

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  14. Don't grow up please!! I have a list of musicals I would like to see. My college roommate was obsessed with RENT--haven't seen it yet!

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  15. My son stopped grocery shopping with me because when I passed gas I would quickly move my cart away leaving him looking (smelling) like the culprit. He finally caught on and now asks me what level my gas tank is at before deciding to come or not. Smelly Mom = smart kid!

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  16. A couple years ago, myself and a group of friends flew to Washington for an Alternative Spring Break trip. I felt SO bad for everyone near us on the plane coming home. I have NO IDEA what we ate, but all 12 of us had SERIOUS gas. The worst part? We were so over-tired that we were acting like little kids and cracking up laughing every time someone let one fly. There were no SBDs ... they were LOUD and SMELLY! lmao

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  17. My husband and I eloped in Vegas, and saw a Cirque show the following evening... after having eaten large servings of sugar-free gelato.

    Something about sugar-free ingredients just does a number on your ENTIRE digestive system. We both thought we were going to die, but neither of us said anything because, as newlyweds, we were still shy about that sort of bodily function.

    Luckily the show was loud enough to get away with letting it go. ;-)

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  18. I had to poop so bad on a plane one time that I was getting chills. This never happens to me and it hit me all of sudden just after we took off. I thought we would never reach cruising altitude. Thankfully the attendant gave me special permission to leave my seat early.

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  19. Hah. My mom's good friend was once at a Hallmark store, browsing the cards, when she felt the urge to let one rip. She looked left, she looked right, no one around. Released it, all smelly and loud. And then heard an "ahem" from the person who had been quietly standing DIRECTLY BEHIND HER, looking at cards on the shelf opposite. Whoops.

    Haven't been to a musical in forever and a day, but I absolutely love "Guys and Dolls." "Luck be a Lady" is one of the great songs of the genre, in my opinion.

    As for people who can't take the bathroom humor... well, read another blog. What's the point of complaining? Personally, your blog made me feel much, much better about my history of running-related *problems.*

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  20. I am laughing so hard. I often need to fart... it just happens. I'm gassy. I work really hard on at least making them silent (silent but deadly), but sometimes it just happens. My family loves me anyway... and everyone else I just pretend it's not me. ;)

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  21. OMG I just had peanuts come out of my nose, normally it's wine but since it's mid-afternoon even for me it's a bit early for wine...I digress...you are funny! Keep farting girl! Penis is a funny word! ;)

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  22. I have struggled with stomach issues my entrie life...there would be times when just drinking a glass of water in the morning would send me into the bathroom at least three times before I left for work. That being said, I have basically experienced pretty much every one of these situations... I have become the master of disguise. Usually... sometimes I'll crop dust at the grocery store or the mall-- I'm sure people notice..but what are theyu gonna do??
    My husband is MORTIFIED by all of these things. I let it fly regularly around him-- what? it's my house too!! And I have yet to hear him do it in front of me...sleeping aside.
    Thank you SUAR for making it public. :)

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  23. yes, at church! I saw a lady a couple pews up, grab up her diaper-wearing grandchild so she could sniff since it definitely smelled like SOMEone had messed his pants! ;-)

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  24. This is great!

    My daughter and I went to her High School Musical last Saturday night....the kids were performing "The Secret Garden".

    I had some ravioli for supper and on the drive to the school had to let it go....it was sooo bad my daughter opened her window immediately and gave me the look of "Seriously, MOM!"

    I had to stop for a quick errand leaving my daughter in the car and when I got back in I must say the van had quite the stench in the air.....as I started laughing I told her just to be happy it happened in the van and NOT during the play!

    HA!

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  25. I always have to fart in movie theaters. Always. Thank god it's loud...

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  26. OMG this post made me laugh so hard... hahaha

    I know what you mean... It seems to be some sort of consolation that in a crowd, no one can really know it was you. I love it- "They can suspect, but they never actually know..." haha Awesome...

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  27. I think there is a big difference between "growing up" and "immaturity" - once you "grow up" you may as well die because then you are old.

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  28. Thank you for making me laugh once again. Never fails when I read your blog. That story made my day.

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  29. I could feel your pain. Nothing worse than trying to hold back a gaseous tidal wave with your sphincter.
    My most embarrassing explosion happened when I was in my late teens at a youth group gathering. We had just started the prayer and out it popped - but it was a little more klaxon than pop. There was some giggling and not a lot of respectful reverence.

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  30. Hilarious!! After having kids, I hafta confess I've lost some of my shame, so if I'm walking up to wal-mart or wherever, I take a quick glance around and just let them fly, loud as all get-out! But one day I forgot to look around and just let it fly w/out a 2nd thought...and much to my chagrine, someone had just gotten outta their car and heard it loud and clear. What can you do. I laughed and died inside at the same time. hhaaa.

    As for musicals, I've never seen Le Miz, so I can't judge, but I generally hate musicals. They take so LONGGGGG to say everything. Get it out already! But I did go w/ a friend to Motherhood, the musical and it was HYSTERICAL. You should go to that Beth if you get a chance! They sang "Mamories" instead of Memories, etc. Just funny.

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  31. I'm holding in a fart right now! I do it at work everyday and find little opportunities to let some sneak out. Sometimes I have to grab the lysol because it gets so bad!

    West Side Story is my all time fave! Although, when I go see Les Miz next June I'll have something to think about! Better out than in, I always say! Or Shrek does!

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  32. OMG that is the funniest f'n thing I have read all f'n day.

    I am in tears from laughter.....the comment from the lady behind you has sent me over the top.

    Chico and I play the you did it game all the time but really mine are so loud they shake the walls and there is just no way a 5 year old could make that noise.....can't wait for him to be Sam's age.

    OMG I can't stop laughing. PERFECT!

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  33. You and Nora should get together to go see a play!

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  34. I've been trapped on a 10 hour flight with my sister, niece (who was in diapers), and me all having a stomach flu (from BOTH ends... yeah.) that didn't become symptomatic until after take off. I think we used all the barf bags on the plane as well as all our spare undies & diapers. We reaked. While I felt bad for all the folks that had to smell us in our pukey-poopy glory, I'm pretty sure we felt worse!

    Hmm... just realized how insanely gross this comment is. Heh. sorry... Point is, don't feel bad about a stinky fart. Farts are funny.

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  35. I've been on holidays - I just realised how much I missed your posts!! Musicals - Wicked!!!

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  36. Les Mis is one of my all time favorites and you just jumped near the top of my stalking list because of this. Hope that doesn't make you gas worse...

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  37. OMG. I think you are my soul mate. I have gas . . . daily. No, make that hourly. My parents tell me it's been happening since I was a toddler. My bedroom was next to theirs and they would just lay in bed at night hearing me farting away in my crib. I was the oldest and they would say, "Do we need to take her to a doctor?" Well, I'm still alive, and I still fart my way through life. My husband thinks it's hilarious, but is still in disbelief. Anyway . . . love your blog and your humor.

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  38. I like that you're gross and immature (and in the same breath, you're not). I think you're "real". It's refreshing in a stinky fart kind of way.

    I haven't been stuck anywhere where I had to poop or fart. There's trouble sometimes when I run though.

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  39. LOVE it. I do this ALL the time. 90% of my farts are quiet so I just stand near a guy, let it rip, and then everyone blames it on the male :) but when I'm running, it sounds like my butt is quacking-NEVER do I have quiet farts during a run! the worst is when I'm in a patients room (I'm a nurse) and I have to hold it in

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  40. I'm a teacher, and sometimes I have to let it go while teaching a class. There have been times where it has made a bit of a noise...but that can usually be dismissed as a scuffed shoe, or a moving chair, etc. When it's a "silent but deadly" one, the kids usually end up blaming each other! "Ewww, gross! Who farted?" They never suspect the teacher!!

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  41. 1st let me say i hope you never grow up....i absolutely love your blog and your honesty. You never fail to make me laugh, usually out loud until tears are flowing.
    I saw The Lion King....loved the costumes.
    It seems like the more you try to be quiet the noisier they are....let 'r rip, tater chip

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  42. Stay just the way you are and I love this post.... I had a good laugh!! Thanks.

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  43. Dude! What does it say about someone that they need to leave anonymous nasty comments for others? Didn't that person's mom teach him/her manners? (I sense... Insecurity issues? Anger management problems? Shitty self esteem? -- None of the possibilities are good.)

    So I say: Just be glad you're not that person!

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  44. One time a woman sitting across the aisle from me on a plane got up, turned so she was facing her seat, and let an SBD. Presumably this was to shield her seatmate, who she knew. I just almost made a public announcement about it. RANK.

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  45. Les Mis is my favorite. I always let it rip - why sit in discomfort? ;-)

    If the lady doesn't like what you write why is she reading?

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  46. I absolutely love Bat Boy, the Musical.

    Thanks for the laugh and honesty. You make me want to write an "Everybody Poops" post!

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