Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Outwit, Outlast, Outplay

I won’t go into details, but to suffice it to say the shart is alive and well in Colorado! How’s that for elusive?  That’s all I’m telling you. I like to be mysterious.

Today I went against my grain and ran on the treadmill. I simply could not take another day of navigating around the ice outside and nearly breaking a hip or freezing off a tit. Plus, I’m a pussy in the cold and I’m not afraid to admit it. I run a ton in freezing temps, but some days I want to be warm. Sorry, I just do. There will be plenty more chances to don the layers, run a few miles, shoot icy snot rockets onto the asphalt and spend the rest of the day trying to get warm by the poor man’s fireplace: the heating vent.

I find the treadmill boring, so I like to play games. I have little secret competitions with people around me. I know it’s childish, but it keeps me engaged. I like to outlast and outwit them all (Survivor reference). This is not hard to do when most people get on the ‘mill, run for 15 minutes like a bat out of hell, almost throw up and get off. I was successful and outplayed each and every one. Jeff Probst would have been proud.

Today I noticed once again the cell phone mania at the gym. People on the elliptical on phones, people everywhere on phones. I don’t have a problem with cell phones. In fact I have one with me usually in the treadmill holder thingee in case one of my children calls and is bleeding or choking or projective vomiting. But, something I do not do, and have never done, is talk on the phone while I’m working out. There are some things that are sacred, plus I can’t usually speak when I’m working out because I’m too busy breathing heavily (TWSS).

Here is where I hate seeing people talk on cell phones:

At the gym while working out
While having sex
While getting a massage
At table while eating with other people. Hello! There are live people to talk to right beside you!
In restaurants. Period.
While in the bathroom stall
At a funeral
In line for anything, especially when it’s their turn to order
At the movies
While under water

My favorite cell phone moments are when you are on a plane and it lands. People are grappling for their phones and everywhere you hear, “HI! We just landed!” I’ve been guilty of that one as well. What the hell did I do for those 30 years before I had a damn cell phone?

How do you survive treadmill boredom?

Any places you would not use your cell phone or get annoyed when people use theirs?


Yes, I did watch Survivor. Yes I am a huge Ozzie fan. No I don’t think Sophie should have won.


  1. Sophie was the best of the three remaining contestants, I think. Certainly not voting for Coach of Albert. I love Ozzie's agility, survival skills, determination ... but, seriously, braids like Dorothy at the finale ... yikes.

  2. I love this post! see people on their cell phone while they are having sex? So that means you are watching people have sex? You rock.

  3. I get so bored on the treadmill, too! I try to break it up into little pieces to help mentally

  4. And I forgot to say...I once ran 20 miles on a treadmill during marathon training. I was on the treadmill due to snow/icy conditions in Minnesota. I was up early enough to watch the replay of The Royal Wedding. Watching Price William and Kate kept me from going crazy on the treadmill for 20 miles!

  5. It takes an act of God, or 70 mph winds to make me run on the "dreadmill"....and when I do, mine is rolled in front of the tv so I can watch all the shows I've recorded and haven't had time to watch

  6. I love treadmills and wish I had one. For now I make due at the gym, which negates the whole "convenience" aspect. I drive eleven miles to avoid running in the cold. I am a pussy.

    I hate cell phones and "lose" mine on a regular basis.

    Now back to your regularly scheduled "bad quotation mark free" programming. ; )

  7. I Hate the treadmill or as I refer to it; the dreadmill! I try to do interval training which makes time go faster; however any longer then 30 min and I'm bored AND that is where we differ with cell phone usage on dreadmill; only because I run on my dreadmill at home I do get on my cell phone and text my friends who are also running and we motivate, encourage and push each other because they too HaTE the dreadmill, then I listen to music, fix my son's toys, untie things for him, or whatever he brings to the dreadmill for me to solve! Lol. I get annoyed when people use their phones while ordering food, funerals or while I'm trying to have a freaking conversation with them...annoying! Thank you for your wittiness I love that u too shoot icy snot rockets when it's cold!

  8. skidoorn: okay I guess I can see using the cell phone on the treadmill in your own house. but i still can't talk well when i run and i'm not that coordinated, I would probably fall off.

  9. I was in the 'men's room' at work today and had a guy gabbing in his cell phone while using the urinal next to me. Seriously? Who the hell are you talking to that can't wait until you zip up???

  10. school functions where kids worked hard to learn songs and a bunch of asswipes are in the bleachers on their f'ing cellphone acting like it's no big deal that they are just blabbing away.

    I don't mind the treadmill. I can watch HULU on mine though at home.

  11. I love the mill. I would like to run outside more but having two small kids and a huge carpool detail makes it tough to find a trail or time for that matter. I have a large movie collection because of it! I can and have run 20 miles at a time.

  12. I could never talk on the phone while running, in or outside. Inside, I'd go flying off the treadmill. Outside, I'd either run off a cliff, or into a pole.

    My bigger problem with people talking on phones in public is they always have to talk so loud!

  13. I do not use my phone on the treadmill. But, mine is in my bedroom...maybe it'd be easier to run on the 'mill if I DID....hmmm....would ya'll motivate me while I try to slug it through?? I am guilty of bathroom phone usage. It's the best time to catch-up IMO...but, only texting or Twitter....!!

  14. Worse than in the stall is when they are by the sink and I'M in the stall..I don't want a stranger across town to hear me peeing!

  15. amen to all that

    dont get me started on Survivor...I was screaming at the TV. I wanted Ozzie to win of course. Of the 3 that were left..the truth is Coach should have won. He kept this whole 5 group together. anyway...

    the cel phones at the gym...I am allergic. Yesterday I could hear the gal next to me talking about her soon to be ex...dropping the F bomb left and right and I had my Ipod on!
    I looked over she was walking at speed 2.0
    I mean why go to the trouble of coming to the gym?

    Hey I hope Sam is doing good today
    Merry Christmas to you and Ken, and Emma and Sam!
    Joyeux Noel!

  16. Amen to no cell yakking. In my gym it's not the norm, thank god.

    But how do you feel about being on a cell phone IN A MARTHON??!

    Twice during my run of CIM a few weeks ago there were people talking on the phone for support (at about mile 16 I think and a bit earlier)

    kinda weird.

  17. I like doing some sort of fartlek to break up the monotony of the TM but i'm a TM fan because with young kids, it helps me fit my runs in. And as for the phone, when you have 3 kids under the age of 6, sometimes these places you mentioned are the best places to actually fit in a phone call or text without being interrupted by screaming children. I've been known to poop/pee and dial/text in the gym stall or in line for something. Hey, I'll take it where i can get it.

  18. I can't wait for the post about how you see other people having sex while on their cell phones!!

    Ozzie should have been in the final 3 and won. hands down

    Treadmill. Movies. Lots and lots of movies.

  19. You're so funny! I once had to do an 18 miler on the treadmill due to a severe lightening storm. Never again. I'll brave the storm next time. I do speed or hill intervals to pass the time. Otherwise, I'll hit the pavement, thanks.
    I HATE having someone talk on their cell in the car with me. People always talk too loud. I don't want to hear your convo. That's what texting is long as you're not driving. :)

  20. I'm with Amanda on the opportunisticness of cell phone usage as a mom of many kids who never shut up – I mean quiet down. I don't think I've used it while having sex...or at a funeral or a movie. But certainly in the bathroom. I hide in the bathroom often.

    I love huddling next to the heating vent.

  21. Was it me or did this Sophie eat island Sophie? She looks like she put on some major poundage - wow!

  22. your list of cell phone annoyances pretty much mimics mine!

    I watch tv on the 'mill when it's gonna be a long one, otherwise good tunes do the trick!

  23. I survive treadmill boredom by not getting on it in the first place. I hate 'em. Won't willing run on one. I don't run well enough to stay on them without a lot of concentration and effort. Just not worth it.

    People can use their cell phones anywhere they want, as long as they are paying attention to the business at hand. I see the future, and it's two person team. One stalking a stupid cell phone user that is oblivious to the world, getting in the way of other people, videoing the idiot and not being an idiot themselves. The other person on the team provides drastic feedback to the oblivious cell phone user, like yelling at them just before bumping into them. The idea is to leave them with wet pants.

    One girl I used to know hated hearing one side of the cell phone conversation in public transit. Her game was to stand right next to a guy (It worked best on a guy.) and say, into the phone, something really inappropriate. Like, "no honey, not then, we've got the motel and that tall blonde booked."

  24. So who should have won, of the three? Because we can hypothetically say Ozzy likely would have won in the final if he was there.

    Coach "should" have won. Like Edna said, he used religion as a manipulation tool and he was VERY successful at it. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for that one....but that's one way of "outwitting" everyone....

    I was also supremely shocked by the treatment of Brandon from Russell at the reunion show. SHOCKED. What a crazy family he must have to deal with back home if his UNCLE can be so unabashedly cruel to him on tv.

    Anyway. I listen to music on the TM, I try not to visit it too often (though I agree, living in snowy Whistler for winter runs I like to be warm sometimes too), and I try not to stay on too long.

    We don't have tvs on our individual 'mills at the local gym (heck, monthly membership fees are expensive enough without getting the gold we should already receive), but there is one conveniently located over the shoulders of those who are running on the TM. Yes, tv is behind us.

    On any given day I could be running beside an Olympic athlete at my gym; I ain't outwitting, outlasting or outplaying nobody...

  25. I watch Survivor too, I was so so sad for Ozzie! And I don't like Sophie at all, I'd choose Coach out of those three!
    Phones in the bathroom, public bathrooms, skeeve me out!! I may or may not have double flushed to make sure it was clear she was talking in the bathroom when a woman answered while in the stall the other day, yuck!!
    I don't get too bored on my treadmill, but I've never run more than 6 miles on it so it's not like I have that long to get bored.

  26. I don't mind the treadmill most times. It helps me to keep track of my pace. But what I've recently started doing to break up the monotony is running a hill profile. It gives me a better workout and it is a bit more challenging with the incline changing every so often.

    The other night I was running along and since it was dark I could see my reflection (and those of the guys behind me) in the window. They were both rather hefty fellows so I was entertaining myself watching them and imagining they were trying to catch me. So I ran faster. :)

  27. Not a big fan of the treadmill myself. Mainly because running outside is so much more fun cause it keeps you busy looking at stuff on the streets etc, back when I used to have my treadmill at home, it was just so boring staring outside the window when I was on it.

  28. Um....

    "Here is where I hate seeing people talk on cell phones: ...While having sex"

    I laffed and laffed!!!

  29. I'm just wondering how often you see people using their cell phones while having sex. And how often you see people not using their cell phones while having sex. Do you have another hobby other than running?

  30. Netflix on my iPhone but I wear ear buds so the entire gym just have to hear what I'm watching. ;) Our gym does not allow people to talk on their phones unless in the lobby however, I have witnessed a few do it anyway and I just give them the guilty stink-eye. :)

  31. I wished the jury would refused to vote.

    What also annoys me about the cells are people who call me when they're busy multitasking and expect me to hang on while they talk to the cashier or whomever, and sorry, but who wants to talk to you when your running on a treadmill?

  32. It is apparent your man needs to purchase you a winter home, where ice and cold will not interfere with your running.

    As for cell phones while on ellipticals or treadmills - don't "they" always tell you to run at a conversational pace?

    Not saying I approve or anything; just sayin'.

  33. Survivor: Totally should have gone to Coach. I am not a fan, but without him, the rest of his tribe of five would not have made it.
    Cell Phones: I think that it's a total tragedy that we have not come up with a more universal set of politness rules for cell phone usage. I was at a play, Wicked, yestrday and the teenager in front of me took out her iPhone during the production. RUDE!
    Treadmill: I love mine! I can't run outside due to schedule (darkness) and weather (Alaska) I read on my iPad on the largest font size. Everyone is amazined that I can, but it totally makes the time fly by.

  34. One time, while cycling with the team, one of my teammates pulled out her phone and made a call right in the middle of the ride, in a tight paceline, all I could do is shake my head

  35. One time at band camp........ I love racing the old guys at the gym! There's one that always last as long as me, hey wait that's me in the mirror.....

  36. Runninhood: I agree that as a mom of young kids (I've been there too) you've got to find "alone" spots...if you're talking about public stalls, it may work for you, but for the other people in the bathroom, not so fun.

  37. I hate the treadmill, but when forced to run inside I try to run longer and faster than the person next to me. Yep- I'm that annoying person who checks out the screen on the machine of the people next to me. Then I want to look good, so I go really hard or fast to make my screen impressive if anyone else looks at it.

    I hate people on cell phones inside, especially in restaurants or other contained, relatively quiet places. I don't want you listening to my conversation, so you probably don't want me listening to yours(admit it, you listen in). And besdies- it's just plain rude.

  38. this is what i told my husband it's NOT outhonest, outintegrity, outpray

    i think edna said it best. you came on that show to be duped, dont be mad bc you were!

  39. I work in an office of guys and we have one that brings his cell phone into the bathroom. He usually has it on speaker as well so I can just imagine what the person on the other end must be thinking.

  40. I used tin cans on a string, personally. But I never brought it to the treadmill with me...didn't want to trip over the string.

  41. How many times do you see a group of kids walking down the road looking at their phones rather than in conversaton? PLUS, I'm with you, in a restaurant - and isn't there always the person who has to SHARE their stupid conversation with the entire restaurant. Go outside! Keep your voice down!

    As for treadmill boredom, we have a television infront of the mill. I put a running DVD in and hope it locks my attention. I have yet to find a good racing DVD so I can run a race on the mill.
    Anyone know of one?

  42. What I love is when a whole table full of people at a restaurant are talking on their phones/texting.

    When I'm on the treadmill, I blast music and change the speed and incline. Even so, it's a slog and I hate it.

  43. I loath people on their cell phones in fitting rooms, movie theaters-before, during, or even after the show. During a 50mile race last year, there were a few runners I saw on the course talking on their phones. Crazy......

  44. I haven't been able to get over the treadmill boredom. Yet.

    I hate when people use their phones on the train (commuter) for long conversations. I will use mine for a quick "I'm on my way home" call, but people use that time to call everyone on their family tree, then they talk too loud about intestinal symptoms and their divorce proceedings. Or their time in jail. Seriously, read an effing book. Or just shut the heck up.

    (A nerve has been struck...)

  45. Oh you definitely hit one of my pet peeves - people and their cell phones! At the gym especially - why do you need to be on the mill or elliptical and be on the phone!?!? Also can't stand when parents don't turn them off at school events!

  46. And another two things in common besides farting, Reynauds, Mortons but the love of Survivor and hatred of cell phones at certain times.

    I hate when people are talking on their cell phone when I'm trying to have sex. C'mon man I'm working over here get off the phone or at least just text them what you have to say.

    That leads me to the following in that you say real live people at the are you assuming that they are talking to Urns or Corpses?

  47. The treadmill is the only time I listen to music. I don't take music with me on outside runs. But the treadmill is so boring that I find I need music.

    As for cell phones, I know it bothers a lot of people when someone at a restaurant is on their cell phone, but as long as they are quite it doesn't bother me. Pretty much everywhere else you listed does bother me though.

  48. I HATE when people are using their phones in ta public bathroom. It's like what do the other people think when they hear someone taking a dump loudly, spray some air freshner, and then flush the toilet. I would be pissed if I heard that, while talking to someone.

  49. I think it so disrespectful to talk while you're at the check-out. I see people do it all the time! Someone is ringing them up, taking their money and they don't even have the courtesy to get off the phone and communicate with the person that is helping them! So rude.

    I also bring my phone to the gym, but I'm not sure why, because I don't actually use it and I get irritated if anyone calls me during my workoout. I guess I should just leave it at home...

  50. Such a coincidence! I totally had a secret "race" this morning with the dude who jumped on the mill next to me (even though there were 30 other open treadmills).

    His pace was fast (because he's not one who stays on more than 15 minutes), so I figured he was taunting me with his speed, and I had to go all out for the last mile of my run because of this douche. I wanted to stay on it for an additional mile but decided to stick with the workout schedule.

    I can't agree with you more about running on ice... this whole Colorado winter thing really freaks me out so I started hitting the mill back in October.

    To survive treadmill boredom I like to match my foot strikes to the cadence of the music... or I play the game where you increase the speed one level every tenth of a mile, then drop it back down at the start of the next mile.

    Phones make me angry too... especially in gyms.

  51. That made me crack up laughing!! For so many reasons. The girl I work with, well, she applies to many of those! She's the one that takes her phone with her into the bathroom while here at work (we can hear what she's saying) and also on the plane to grab it just as the plane lands to say "we've just landed!!". Trust me, if we didn't land, it would be a News Flash and the entire country would know within 10 minutes.

    You're right, I can't talk on the phone either, normally because I'm exercising hard enough that I don't wanna sound like a complete creep by breathing heavy into someones ear.

  52. I actually saw someone running - faster than I run - in full conversation on the blue tooth... WHAT???

    I think the nation should ban cell phones in all those areas you listed, not just cars.

  53. First off, if you are able to talk on your cell phone, you aren't really working out. I like to pretend I am racing the person next to me on the treadmill to break up my boredom, but alas they usually get off after 20 minutes and I am left to race alone:( Second, you've seen someone use a cell phone while having sex?! Last, Ozzie should have won and I would have picked Coach over Sophie.

  54. Agreed on that list! Add to it: while driving a car. It's illegal here now (hands free is allowed but then people just look like they are talking to themselves.)

  55. You came up with a great list. i agree with them all. Last week I felt so guilty for not reading a book in over a year that I took one down to the workout room and I tried to read it while I walked on the treadmill. WTF was I thinking ??? I even took a picture and posted it to my facebook, titled "multi-tasking".

    #1 It came out blurry, which proves that a person cannot read a book while running on a treadmill.
    #2 multi-tasking on a treadmill is not a good thing and I am lucky that I didn't fall off while trying to read while I was on there.
    #3 I do NOT use the phone while using the treadmill so why the heck did I think that I could use it to take a picture?

    lesson learned. The book has to wait.

  56. When I am asking you important questions about your baby's prescription, please hang your stupid phone up. Could your conversation wait while we make sure we don't poison your kid? Thanks.

  57. @Gracie - you're kidding... right?

    @SUAR - people on the phone in the loo is a huge pet peeve of mine. hello: pee now. talk later! or how about this, at least don't have your conversation on speakerphone, so i can pee in peace!

  58. Ha I am definitely guilty of toilet phone calls! One thing I do on tread mills to stay distracted and not bored... Is I pick rap songs and try to memorize all the words!

  59. I like watching people jump out of their skin when they nearly get hit by a car as they are text-walking (note to self, submit that to Urban Dictionary). I generally don't like when clients use their phone when they are in for a session but sometimes it can be entertaining - I got to listen to a conference call between Arvada, Hong Kong and Beijing a while ago because the client had to have her phone on speaker to look up info that needed to be on the other side of the world right that minute.

    Handled With Care Massage Therapy