Monday, June 13, 2011

I Never Lie (Almost)

I never lie. Especially about a fart. I pride myself on that fact.  But, we were in the car with the in-laws and I was feeling self conscious.   All three rows of the Ford Explorer were in use because there are six of us. I was crammed in the back row with Emma. I let one fly. Silently.

Emma: (loud) MOM! You farted!

Me: (actually a bit embarrassed for once) No, I did not.

Emma: Yes, you did!

Mom: (deflecting) Maybe it’s the cow farm you smell. Or, someone else in the car.

Emma: Grandpa! Was that you?

Me: (snickering)

Later that night…

Me: That was me who farted in the car.

Ken: No, shit. And nice of you to blame my dad.

Me: I didn’t blame your dad. The conversation just flowed that way.

Bad daughter-in-law. BAD. You would have done the same thing.

But we did have a nice day in Estes Park visiting the Stanley Hotel (think the “Shining” movie).



This morning’s workout was 2,700 yards at the pool (that’s 108 lengths to you and me). I warmed up and did a 200/400/600/600/400/200 ladder with 5 second rest intervals. Then a cool down. Back and forth. Back and forth. Like a robot. Staring at the bottom of the pool. Trying to keep count.

The pool was teeming with pre-pubescent swim team girls. What? Is school out? Do kids like to swim? Isn’t there somewhere else for these kids to be at 7:00 a.m. on a Monday morning? Like sleeping maybe or watching Sponge Bob?

Post workout, I got out and the lifeguard said, “Since you spend so much time looking at the bottom of the pool, would you please let me know if you see hairballs or band aids that I need to clean up?”

I’m not kidding. She said that.

Sure, sister. I got your back.  Are you paying me by the hour? And, thanks for reminding me that there ARE indeed hairballs and band aids in the pool. And thanks for not mentioning turds and scabs.


And, the goggle eyes. They really have to go.

TGO4DTF (Thank God Only 4 Days ‘Til Friday),



  1. Oh my word!!! Couldn't stop laughing through this whole post!!! I love that you let your daughter blame her Grandfather!!!

  2. That is hilarious!! It reminds me of a time when we were riding in the car with me, my husband and my mother in law.

    Husband: Ugh.. that is a nasty smelling fart, Megan did you fart?

    Me: No! (Though I actually did)

    Mother in law: No, that's not a fart. That smell is coming from outside. If that is a fart, then a person who did it would have to go to a hospital to get that checked out.

    I couldn't help it. I just started laughing so hard that I was crying, and they both figured out that it really was me!

    1. My MIL farts in the car. She waits for someone else to roll down a window, and then she says, "Someone farted." I think the troll manipulator has a narcistic personality disorder.

    2. My mother-in-law lies about farting in the car.

  3. OMG Megan you are killing me. Did she reallyl say that?

  4. Oh Megan that just did me in! Bahahahahahahaba

  5. YOU went to the Stanley Hotel!! WE want to go there...ever since we saw it on Ghost Hunters. You lucky girl, you. It's a far drive from San Diego....

    Do they have a suggestion box at your pool? Suggest that the lifeguards don't speak unless someone is in danger of drowning. So gross.

  6. Please don't remind me how long til Friday. Blahhhhh!

    And GA-ROSS to keeping an eye out for hairballs and bandaids. Yuck!!!

  7. Honestly that is disgusting to think of. I know it's there but don't remind me and seriously where do you people swim where there are lifeguards? We got none.

    Get rid of the goggle eyes by getting TYR Nest Pro goggles. Best on the market for my money. No issues with fog, lines, wrinkles or farts being blamed on somebody else.

    Man up next time and say yes it was me and unless none of you have a**holes don't criticize.....

  8. @Jason ha ha! My brother got married in Estes Park a couple years ago, and I totally know that hotel: "REDRUM, REDRUM!!!"

    I got nuthin' on the swimming advice...but, gross hair! bleck!!

  9. Just FYI - don't touch anything on the bottom of the pool, because it's never what you think it looks like - ask me how I know! LOL!

  10. Lucky should have been in the car then the blame could have been on the dog.

  11. Helloooo eyeball!

    That lifeguard = too funny.

  12. That shirt is awesome.... it makes your boobs look GREAT!!!! You said you didn't have any...

    I think that car-fart situation might have played out the same here... but it would have been my husband doing the farting and blaming. But no way would he have been able to keep a straight face... especially once I gave him a knowing glance.

    Turds and scabs... you kill me.

  13. Ewww... And here I thought swimming in my kids pool was bad enough! Blach!!

  14. Gross (about the pool). Ours had spiders in it the other day. It was in the corner where the stairs are. I think actually jumped in (which I never do) because I didn't want to have to wade/swim/or otherwise go over it to get to my coveted middle lane in the pool.

  15. That's hilarious. My friend once told me she used to blame hers on her kids until they got old enough to call her on it.

  16. He He!! I love Estes Park and the little town. Not sure about people wanting to have weddings in a haunted hotel though...

  17. She REALLY said that!? I would have said back to her, "Well since you spend so much time staring at my ass going back and forth while I'm looking at the bottom of the pool for you, could you let me know if I have a shit streak? That way I'll know when to go. Thanks."

    :) But that's just me!

    Thanks for stopping by my page, by the way! Reading your blog, you have inspired me in a way that I can't really explain. YouR mentality and drive is a big part of the reason I finished my marathon challenge. It's a big reason why I'm going to keep running! Seriously, I don't really know what you did or how you did it, but there's some serious fire under my ass after finding YOUR blog! Thanks for that!

    Sarah @ Thinfluenced

  18. Sarah - reading your feedback makes me SO happy. Thanks for letting me know.

    And cracking up at shit streak.

  19. Ahahaha! My dad has tried to pull that before in the car, but he has a very unique smell and we all know it's him. Nice try Dad, nice try.

  20. the pita farts smell nothing like human farts -- loved the comment from Megan. I feel ya.

    the huge topic in our car over the weekend was:

    poo vs dump

    Pita: "dump is such a gross word. can you please say Poo instead"


    poo is way grosser. I say we do a vote/pole.

  21. EMZ: poo sounds too dainty and two year old.

    I like dump, turd, pinching one off.

    Shit is sometimes good too.

  22. Megan's comment so almost as funny as your post!

    So was it hourly or by the hairball?

  23. Oh my, that was funny. Thank you for that!

  24. Very funny! I always enjoy when you post about passing gas and other bodily functions. Mostly because they don't seem to embarrass you at all. They mortify me. I actually pretend to my husband that I don't do those things. Even though he knows better, he pretends for me. :)

  25. Where was Lucky? You must always have your dog conveniently located to take the blame for farts. They never mind - the smellier, the better in their minds. I know I'm a vet.

  26. You totally make me laugh!!!

    Also, what the heck do you focus on when you are swimming so many laps? I've never been able to do more than like 30 or 35 laps before I lose track or get completely mind-numbingly bored. Any great tips?

  27. I have been in the car when it was the driver that farted. Cruel bastard locked the power windows.

  28. Ha! Sounds like "Shut up and Don't tell"

  29. It must take mountains of food to fuel all that exercise... what do you eat?

  30. Love the post today!
    I am not a strong swimmer and you sure do inspire this group of followers. I also would like to know your diet and how you stay energized...

  31. I always announce that it smells like we are near a donut shop. Everyone takes a big whif then passes out. Peaceful quiet driving listening to MY radio stations.

  32. I never fart. If I did I'd blame it on my son who lovingly let's me live in my world of delusion.

  33. My Husband told me the other day...

    "You NEVER farted this much when we were DATING"

    WELL... DUH! I might be gassy but I'm not stupid!

    HOLY LAPS Lady.... You rock!

  34. Hey, they make a watch that will count your laps so you never have to do a ," wait was that 99 or 100? couldn't be 100 I'm on an odd length, 97? 101? shit, now I have to swim more to be sure!" again..
    google pool-mate by Swimovate!! Lifesaver!!

  35. In my former life, I was a burn/trauma Intensive Care Unit nurse. I cannot tell you how many farts I blamed on my comatose patients.