Thursday, November 11, 2010

Hairy Crack

Yesterday some douche told me I’m not an athlete.

But, he didn’t know about the compliment I got at the pool.

Per usual, I rigged my iPod on my visor, tightened my flotation belt, set aside my crutch and immersed myself in the deep end of the pool for some kick ass water running. 34 minutes of intervals. I turned up the AC/DC and Black Eyed Peas to drown out the “One two three o’clock for o’clock rock” coming from the ghetto blaster on the side of the pool. The pussy posse water aerobics crowd really digs that era of music. (I don’t say “pussy” in terms of “wimp.” I say it to refer to a body part. Just to clarify. There is nothing wimpy about those women).

If I can’t run on land then I’m going to become manic in the pool. When it was time to start an interval, my little legs propelled me so fast that that cruise ship off the California coast was SO jealous…and I didn’t even have to eat Spam (can you believe they shipped in Spam and Pop tarts to the ship? Some one is going to sue Carnival for sure. Not because their vacations were ruined or there was no running water or AC, but because they got SPAM).

I spent exactly 2,040 seconds kicking ass and taking names in the pool. I was running circles around Ethel and pushed Gertrude to the side as I raced through. I was winning, and no one knew it but me.

When it was all over, I dried myself off, grabbed my crutch and headed to the lap lanes because I wasn’t done yet. Everyone at the pool was astonished, thinking, “OMG she just ran in the water for 34 minutes and now she is going to swim laps. And she’s on one crutch”. Yes, it’s true I live in a fantasy world where people really give a shit and notice what I’m doing, but whatever, it gets me through the day.

So, I carefully picked my lap lane after deciding what type of swimmer I wanted to share with. The 70 year old guy in the speedo with the six pack? The guy with the back hair and the kick board? (Taken this summer by my daughter at the triathlon, same pool. She is scarred for life. You know he has a hairy crack.):

back

Just as I was getting in the water, an older dude, probably 60, got out. He had the lap lane by the deep end where I was running. I smiled at him because that’s what I do. He looked at me and said, “You get those legs going pretty fast for an injured person.”

Yeah, that’s right. Why, thank you. Take that douche bag who insults marathoners and tells them they’re not athletes.

I then went to the Starbucks’ drive thru to reward myself for my athleticism. I even bought the lady behind me her three pack of mini scones. I was careful to ask what she ordered before I offered to pay. If she had gotten five Venti lattes I would have back out. I’m generous, but not that generous.

Today it is snowing. People moan and groan like, “OH MY GOD, it is snowing and cold and gray!” Yeah, well, it is November 11 and you do live in stinking Colorado. Why so surprised? Every year, why so surprised?

Here’s what went on here this morning:

Hi, it’s me, SUAR, and it’s SNOWING! In Colorado! In November! Amazing! (We bloggers are the masters at self portraits).

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Here is my one eye again!

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A great morning for oatmeal if you are in 7th grade and have wet hair!

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She joined the one eyed club too. Only her club is one-eyed, open mouthed.

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Yeah, it’s never too cold for a crap:

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You know what you did. Don’t even look all cute and act like, “I didn’t just lay a big one in the snow.” Even if you are the President of the one-eyed club.

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Off to yoga for the first time since the big “I” (Injury). The big “I” is NOTHING like the big “O.”

Getting ready to be a warrior,

SUAR

46 comments:

  1. You have the most beautiful eyes

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  2. Damn, must get membership in one eye club.

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  3. When I lived in Seattle many years ago it always made me laugh when people were somehow *surprised* by the rain. Um, it rains ten fricken months out of the year, people!
    Nice job on the pool running.

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  4. You are one crazy lady! If you're going to take a picture of your dog taking a crap, at least do it from his blind side so he doesn't have to know about it!

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  5. Okay FitDaddy, that just made me die laughing.

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  6. People are always so surprised when it rains here. I live in CA, but it still gets a little cold and rainy here. COme on people!

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  7. I'm dying of much needed laughter. You may have to work on those self portraits though. Or maybe I should just be thankful that it was a picture of the dog taking a crap and not *someone*

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  8. Your dog has the most beautiful eye.
    Also...I know someone who got a big "I" from a big "O".

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  9. Loving the Hairy Back shot as I make french toast this morning! Yay for yoga...remind yourself you're not in the pool and can't make bubbles...Have to try to hold it in in yoga.

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  10. I'm not seventy yet and I too have a fantasy world where I win all the races.......

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  11. I love that you buy Starbucks for the person behind you! That is awesome. Yay for snow! (:

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  12. You are amazing!! I have a sore ankle that I am kind of worried about. I really should give it a rest but I keep running on it anyways. Might be joining the pussy pose pool runners soon. I should fall in love with cross training but I like to push the boundaries I guess!
    Love the one eye shots :)

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  13. Hehehe - you make me miss Colorado! :) Hang in there, my athletic friend!

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  14. Hey, since you're sticking up for us "athletes" we could say that you are an "athletic supporter" - just sayin'... :)

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  15. There needs to be a social movement to stop the discrimination against those facing the challenge of excessive back hair.

    Can't we all get along? I'm just saying....

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  16. I'm scarred for life too. In a previous life I used to shave a dudes back for him. (I know what your thinking but it's nothing but a long story). I've always felt weird about it but now seeing the alternative I'm glad I did my part.

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  17. Great job on your pool training, I got to start doing that! I almost couldn't finish my oatmeal after seeing the hair back! Love the self portraits gorgeous!!
    SNOW??? I think we are supposed to get snow in Utah next week:(

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  18. Oh my gosh you are soo FUNNY!!!! I am also super, super impressed with your wonderful warrior attitude!!

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  19. You have the best attitude. I could learn tons from you.
    Thanks for the laughs.

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  20. It snowed here in Tahoe, too, and I must admit I'm one of those people, at least in my own head . . . Ack It's Snowing! Already! Winter's Coming! It's Cold! Ack! and I'll be the person in May going Ack! IT'S SNOWING! In May! Yup, I'm that jerky person BUT my back is hairless.

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  21. Geezus you make me laugh out loud! Great job with the water running...you are going to be so ready to train on dry land soon! :)

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  22. awesomely wonderful post.
    take that D-Bag dude.

    people are the same with the snow here in MAINE> Yes, freaking MAINE. I love how the grocery stores are crazy just before a snow storm. Really. You need 3 gallons of milk and 4 loaves of bread for a few stinking inches of snow??

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  23. I really love your attitude! Thanks for making me smile again!

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  24. SCORE on the compliment!!! You must know how to move in that water. I hope yoga was good!

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  25. I'm truly glad I tagged this blog a while back. You are freakin nuts and clearly don't care! I LUV THAT !!
    On the other hand Ive now found out my newest friend and semi close neighbor Patrick from "the road" shaves or shaved mens backs > :-o who woulda thunk it ?? NOT ME. Now I'm scarred for life !!!

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  26. How can I be expected to type after reading that? Wondering when 7th grade son will join the eye club.

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  27. Those lady in the pool are still wondering what the blurr that flew by them was!!

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  28. ewwww snow. and you are wayyyyyyy amazing. for real. totally kicking ass and taking names girl

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  29. RIGHT!?!?!? What IS it with people bitching about the snow? (Oh wait, I'm one of em...) Although I'm not surprised to see it, I'm more angry that I couldn't call in "sick" and sit on my couch with a bottle (erm, glass) of wine.

    Love the self portraits! And yes I also live in the fantasy world where people give a shit. It's nice to know there are others.

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  30. I agree, snow rocks. This time of year is gorgeous and exciting and fun. When I woke up, laced up my shoes, and opened the door to go running, I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. And CO snow is the best, never slushy or black or caked on sidewalks for long. Keep up the hard work with aqua jogging and yoga and such! You're gettin' there!

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  31. This Houston gal is jealous right now of your location! I don't envy the injury, broken bones suck, but hardcore water running rocks!

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  32. hahaha your daughter looks so much like you here. =)

    I think your dog may be scarred for life if he finds out you posted a pic of him taking a crap. ;p

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  33. ewww someone needs laser treatment. badly.

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  34. What's wrong with hairy cracks? I'll bet ole one eye has a hairy crack.

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  35. I'm going to take it as a compliment that you scanned the lanes, and picked mine to share, without know it was me :)

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  36. I never know what I'm going to get with you and your post titles! And were you outside when you took your pics? I'd love to get into a nosey neighbor's head to see what they think of you taking pictures of your poopin' dog.

    Sounds like if there was some sort of Title for Water Running Champion you'd take home GOLD!

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  37. Ya know, if you and your daughter put your heads together cheek to cheek. (her right, your left) You would have 2 eyes again.

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  38. if one more mother f*ck*r bitches about how winter is approaching and it will be snowing soon or has dusted a slight snow, i'm going to biff them. seriously douche bags, we live in michigan- why are you so f*ck*ng shocked?!?!? welcome to earth ahole and get a freaking grip or move out of this damn state! GRRR LOL

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  39. You got a little spinach in your teeth.

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  40. Your poor dog! I can't imagine how cold his poor little bott got doing what he had to do. I guess he just had to snap it out quicker.

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  41. I've been enjoying your blog for a few weeks now but I've got to say you out-did yourself on this one. Hilarious!

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  42. You are amazing! Hopefully your "big I" keeps healing more quickly! :)

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  43. The pic of your daughter's creepily like Jessica Rabbit. But then again, that makes me the creepy one. Oh well...

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  44. I LOVE that your daughter took that picture in the pool.

    That was probably the most awesome series of pictures yet. The one of your son is the best I think.

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