Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Time to Get Off My Ass

Rest time is over. Time to get off my skinny ass, which could become very large.

I am cleared to swim. Tomorrow I am meeting my daughter’s teacher (who also happens to be a swim coach and an awesome overall person) at 5:30 a.m. to test my hip out in the water. Then on Thursday I am going to try this thing called a “water running” class. You can also call it “running for the injured” or “aqua jogging” or “making running movements in an outdoor pool freezing your nuts off” (if you have them).

Yes, it is in Boulder at an outdoor pool. I am assuming it is a heated pool and hoping this is not one of those instances where I am making an ASS (out of) U (and) ME.

Here is the description:

Water running is an excellent way to work your whole body without the impact that happens with running on land. You use the resistance of the water to control the intensity of the workout. It can be a gentle recovery workout or a high-intensity aerobic workout. Because your whole body up to your shoulders is immersed, water running works your upper and lower body and is a great core workout.

Sounds lovely.

I have bribed my friend, Joie, into going with me.  She can help me with my crutches. We can laugh at each other. The class is an hour long and running in the water for that long should be quite a workout. Then we’ll go have donuts.

I just love the fact I can workout and pee at the same time. I will make every attempt to not poop. That would be really uncool. I believe a technical term for pooping in the pool is “AFR” (Accidental Fecal Release). This is what the lifeguards and those in the know call it. I learned this on Undercover Boss. Usually it is a child who does an AFR, but it could be me, who knows? AFRs happen to me on land, so why not in water?

poopinpool

Calm down. It’s a Baby Ruth. Didn’t you learn anything from the movie Caddy Shack? I am so bringing one of those candy bars to my pool running class. I’ll be the most popular one there.

You all know me. I will do anything to stay in shape and to be able to run strong again. Maybe I will fall in love with water running. Perhaps I will start running marathons in the water. Maybe I will run to Hawaii or something. Then do the Ironman. See? I still have goals for myself.

If you doubt the part about me having a fat ass, just look at Sam’s 13 pounds of candy. I eat it at night when he’s asleep:

samcandy

One more thing I’d like to add. Below are the rejects from Sam’s candy bag. A sweet little old lady dumped a half eaten cookie and some peanuts into his bag. He said he didn’t want them. YES! More for me. I love cookies:

rejectcandy

Hoping not to drown,

SUAR

48 comments:

  1. your ass is not fat... mine is though. working on 3 weeks of no running/exercise. i'm going bonkers. have fun at aqua jogging. get ready to poke your eyes out! :) cant wait to hear what you think!

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  2. Score on Sam's loot! I'd be in big trouble. What's with the half eaten cookie?! :$

    Good luck at water running! Here's hoping for no drowning or AFR!

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  3. OMG - those costumes are AWESOME!!! So creative! Looks like they had a great night with lots of candy :-)

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  4. Please, please...wear a full bathing cap and nose plugs...that would be a picture.
    Glad you are making progress!

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  5. YOu are soooo funny. That was a great post. Good luck on the class tomorrow; can't wait to hear how it goes. The cookie and peanuts is a little weird; i don't blame Sam for rejecting those!! :-)

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  6. I have to wonder how many women are cursing you for claimig you have a "fat" ass...

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  7. J- made a slight change in the wording for that very reason. I have the potential to have a fat ass. Doesn't yet exist.

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  8. Yes, we all think her ass is fat jamoosh. Seriously. all 82 lbs of her.

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  9. Emz, did you watch Oprah yesterday, is that where the 82 pounds came from?

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  10. PFA (Potential Fat Ass) is NOT the same thing as BFA (Big Fat Ass)! That is all.

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  11. Enjoy the workout! Your arms are ready for it! Good thing the weather is supposed to be decent tomorrow. And if your class is super early and the air still near freezing, the pool will feel super warm. Sounds like a new winter sport to me! But will still be curious to hear about it.

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  12. Aqua running is what all the cool kids do. Deena Kastor did it when she was injured so your in good company.

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  13. great news! hope you like the pool running, i've never tried it before. wow, that's a lot of candy!!!

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  14. i sincerely hope that the pool is heated! too funny about peeing while working out. when i was on a swim team we always joked that the chlorine killed everything so it was okay. i look back and just think ewwwwwwwww now hahah!

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  15. Yay on the water run to Hawaii! I volunteer to steer the support boat.

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  16. I want to hear all about you floating the Baby Ruth during water running... you are freakin' hilarious...

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  17. Nice score on the candy, although that cookie is a total reject. Maybe she threw in the peanuts, since not everyone likes nuts in their cookie! Have fun in the pool.

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  18. I have an informational brochure about AFRs that I HAVE to send to you. It is unintentionally the finest humor piece I have ever read.

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  19. I'd be afraid aquajogging would be like that nightmare I have where I'm running in slow motion and just can't. go. any. faster. no matter how hard I try!

    Whoops, not the most supportive comment, eh? Let me try again.

    Just think, you'll probably run like the wind once you get back on dry land! Sort like how free it feels after getting back into shorts after a winter of running in two layers of pants. Except you'll be shedding water pants! And everyone knows there's nothing better than shedding your pants. It'll be all good!

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  20. I have always wondered about aqua jogging. Hope it goes well. You son scored a serious haul of candy...minus the peanuts/half eaten cookie! haha

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  21. that pile of candy goodness looks AWESOME....and I've had to do some aqua joggin, too....it's helped my ITB hip issues a great deal..good luck

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  22. the aqua jogging isn't that bad. it's even a great workout. i know it's not running, but it will keep you in good running shape.

    another reason i can't have kids...i couldn't live with that candy in the house.

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  23. Remember Ann with the big can? Not Beth with the huge ass. I am cyling tomorrow at 5:45. Knowing you'll be up at 5:30 will inspire me. Yeah. You are (almost) back in the saddle. This too shall pass. I heart quilts and I wear buttons to Buddy's that say "I do it in the water". Seriously I have. No lubrication SUCKS.

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  24. I have always wanted to try aqua running!! Sounds cold:) Gotta love Halloween candy.... I just stole like five milky ways from one of my students! Let us know how it goes!

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  25. I hope you like aqua jogging as much as I disliked it.
    Or maybe think, one hour of aqua jogging earns you one chocolate bar. Hey, you seem to have 13 lbs of them.

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  26. Am I the only one who's absolutely delighted with the acronym AFR? And the opportunity for social peeing?

    AFR! Haha!

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  27. I watched Spirit of a Marathon and saw Deena Kastor doing the water swimming for her stress fracture. Very interesting but she was indoors on a water treadmill wearing shoes. Odd. But I've had friends go to a PT that has that Alter G treadmill. Good luck with the pool!

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  28. water running is a great workout and kind of fun.

    and i was a lifeguard for six years. at my pool, we referred to AFR situations as "brown outs" or "code brown."

    i hope no one gets on the megaphone tomorrow to say "we have a code brown"

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  29. Sam looks like he's ready to protect his candy. I hope he doesn't read your blog...

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  30. WTF with those nuts and cookie? Hilarious.

    BTW, I warn you that the water running I have done has been so boring, you may want to poop just to liven it up.

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  31. A fat ass makes a great flotation device. Pool running served me well pre-Boston this year...and I loathe the pool, so there's hope.

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  32. i took water running back in nyc when i had a stress fracture...it was fun...lot of pregnant people. it was coached by a big wig running guy so he really focused it on injured folks who were runners.

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  33. WOW, that is some pretty solid recovery. Your moving right along. Great job. Your son doesn't look to pleased about you taking pictures of his stash, just saying. On another note, I hope you find the class entense enough to soothe the urge.

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  34. Enjoy your pool run - at least doing a class will help keep you motivated!

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  35. I love the look on Sam's face - Touch any of this and you die! I also love poo acronyms. My very own special one is NFT ( non-flushing turd).

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  36. Yay for being cleared to swim! I hope the aqua jogging goes well! Oh, and I totally think you should bring a baby ruth..ha ha!

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  37. I'm drooling over all that candyyyyyy!!! but agreeing with Deb, looks like he's not gonna share hehe =p

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  38. I bet you can't wait to get back to exercising! How exciting! I'm actually a rock in the water so I have no advice, lucky you, but I hope you are fish-like and get even fitter than before!
    Hey, that's a lot of candy and a pretty disgusting cookie. It needs to be x-rayed first, please!!

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  39. Sam is such a wonderful son to share his candy with you . . . Peanuts and a partially eaten cookie . . . Priceless.

    Hope the pool is heated and the water running goes well . . . No peeing in the pool!

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  40. I sooo want to try pool running. The time on our community pool was removed b/c of lack of participation. Can't wait to here how it goes.

    Way to go on the candy!

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  41. That woman was trying to kill the kids with peanut allergies!!!! I wonder who got the other half of the cookie?

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  42. Good luck with the pool running class. I hope it's good!

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  43. Pool running, I've found, just motivates one to heal faster to get past the monotony. Here in the hinterland, running through snowdrifts accomplishes the same thing.

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  44. Woohoo aqua jogging! okay, maybe it's not the MOST fun thing you'll ever do, but with a friend it's totally tolerable. Cheers to being clear to start 'working out' again! slowly but surely, we'll get to boston!

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  45. Uff...pool running is like watching paint dry. Be good to the friends who agree to do it with you!

    You're not going to freeze your nuts off in the pool. My head gets all sweaty when I pool run. And our outdoor pool was open until October 1. Some mornings were in the high 30s, but I was still pretty hot doing my boring-as-hell workouts.

    It's definitely a step in the right direction to be cleared to pool run. Stick with it - it's the best "non-running" running you can do right now!

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  46. Are you sure it was peanuts the lady put in the bag...looks like cat turds.

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  47. YES!! First step pool, next step marathon. No inbetween.

    That is sooooo much more candy than I ever got. Kids now are getting it so lucky. Did I mention how not-hot teen idols were when I was a kid!? I remember getting all tingly whenever Whinny from the wonder years was on.

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