Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Making Farts Illegal

I hope you come here to learn stuff and to be made aware of the headlines because today I’ve got a doozy.

Yesterday I wrote of being grateful. So, in the spirit of that post, today I am thankful I don’t live in Malawi because I would be in jail. With several counts against me.

Yes, it’s true. The government of the small African nation of Malawi plans to make farting illegal.


This is not a joke. You can read about it HERE (from Reuters). Al Gore even responded to this pending legislation by saying, “While I have managed to avoid personal emissions of methane gases for the last ten years, we must realize that not everyone has as much self control.” (That part might be a joke.)

In a time when Egypt is falling apart and our economy is in the toilet, outlawing farts should be the breaking headline.

Taking my precious time to carefully consider this loaded issue, I have come up with some astounding observations:

  • This law should be passed in my bedroom. If the offender uses the Dutch over trick, punishment should be the death penalty.
  • Fartriloquists could have a field day with this one. Have a vendetta against someone? Throw a fart sound in their general direction.
  • Mercy (Madonna’s adopted baby from Malawi) is counting her blessings
  • Not all farts are created equal. If you got your PhD in butt thunder, you know the many varieties. The worst offenders are as follows, and should result in immediate arrest and incarceration:
    • Eggy Fart
      Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put make people gag.
    • Beefy One
      Sounds loud, and butch e.g.  'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a mad cow and a dog turd.
    • Trouser Ripping Special
      Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later.
    • Escape Pod Fart
      You think you got away with this one.  You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
    • Sphinctal Napalm
      Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
    • Tandem Fart
      Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
    • Balls Tickler Fart : This is when you let the gas escape very slowly while sitting in the bathtub. The tiny bubbles come up round your balls and often attach themselves to the hairs on your scrotum, but finally come to the surface as a nasty stink. (Applies to males only).
  • Of course, the toughest thing about putting said legislation into law is that it’s very difficult to know who cut the cheese. You could always use the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” rule, which has been scientifically tested and is very accurate. This is along the lines and much the same as “whoever said it, let it.” Then there is the “whoever denied it, supplied it” rule in which case no one would ever fess up to their farts again.
  • My fear is that the Malawian jails will be filled with innocent dogs and babies who have been wrongfully blamed for the sins of their owners, parents and siblings.

Your thoughts? What would happen if the US tried to impose such a law? Would you move to Canada?

Wish I had balls so I could try the tickler,


PS: Most ironic thing is that back in the days when I worked in D.C. I was accepted into a women’s college in Lilongwe, Malawi because I wanted to study Women in Development. Never went, but Malawi and I are clearly unified on many levels.

PPS: Thanks to Bill H. for sending this to me. Right up my alley.


  1. I'm so glad the citizens of Malawi are tackling the big issues!

  2. Outlawing farts!? I would have a life sentence. I am the gassiest woman alive! (Ask Angela). We get in arguments because I fart in the car and don't roll down my window. It is an ongoing issue we are working on. I stink up our entire apartment with rotten egg farts, and I don't even eat EGGS!

    Some of mine smell like baby poop, those aren't quite as bad. Then there are the broccoli farts that smell exactly like freshly steamed broccoli. Not so bad (to me).

    So glad the U.S. isn't outlawing farts. Can you imagine how smelly the jail cells of the offendors would be ?

  3. OMG I was laughing out loud at the names! Embarrassing story: When we my love and I first met we worked in the same building. He used to "crop dust" my desk as he walked by it. Not saying a word only leaving the smell and letting everyone else that walked by think it was me. Now that I'm saying that out loud I'm not sure how we went from that to then dating lol

  4. hahaha, how laughably ridiculous. how about my fart fav. the butt crack fart....you try to squeeze your cheeks together to keep it in, but it travels up the butt crack and comes out the top making a crazy loud noise and unusual. not always stinky, but always LOUD!

  5. I would be on death row if California made this a law. I almost killed myself last night!

  6. bahahaha. i take it you're not planning any trips there?

  7. Welllll I probably shouldn't have read this post while making dinner (waiting for the soup to simmer). But all the same, I still laughed! :-)

  8. Might as well lock me up for life - and my dog too. At least I wouldn't be lonely.

  9. Well SUAR, now you are officially branded.

  10. If you fart in the woods, does anybody hear it? Good, no jail time for me (just a lot of dead critters from my stink bomb)

    Your post made me pee my pants

  11. I don't think you guys are in any danger of an anti-farting law. The corporations supply beer, tex-mex food, and other flatulence inducing food would not permit such a thing. And we all know the people nominally in charge of creating and passing laws are all in the pay of big corporate interests.

    But then, there is the law and order brigade to consider. These are people that want to outlaw anything and everything, so they have a control handle on people. This lets them get their jollies by bullying people and fondling their junk in airports.

    I say, lock them all in a small room and see who comes out, if anyone. On second though, just lock them all in a small room, supply large quantities of beer and beans, and throw away the key. You'll all be better off for it. Well, maybe except the people downwind.

  12. By the way, I think "Shut Up and Run" is now "Shut Up and Fart" just so Fart Classification can be appropriately applied to all that read, lurk, laugh and post here.

  13. that is crazy..it would take a lot less then that to make me move to Canada....have you seen the pictures of my hometown on my blog? !!

  14. my son who will be 5 tomorrow just walked in and you your pic.. the one top right..and this is what he said: "what is the name of that super heroe mommmy?!!!"
    President of your fan club right there!!!

  15. I love this blog, ya just never know what you're gonna stumble upon. ;)

  16. Such a deep, insightful, and profound post. Canada? Yikes, I'd rather move to North Korea.

  17. Fartriloquists love it. Just never, ever know what you'll get when you open this blog! Given our current weather situation, warm voluminous farts should be on tap tonight ;-)

  18. A fart story... just for you.

    I work in a PT clinic & I'm sure its everyone's worse fear to let out a little toot while getting stretched. I've never actually witnessed this... until today.

    A nice man was done getting stretched and as he sat up let the biggest fart I have probably ever heard out. I instantly started giggling... who wouldnt? I'm so mature right??

  19. I agree with Chris, you go deep Girl.
    Still hoping you're doing well and thinking about you!!

  20. I think that law would be against our civil liberties in the U.S. I'd appeal to the Supreme Court. I'm pretty sure farting falls under the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness clause.

  21. I almost peed myslef this was so funnnnnnny! Haha.

  22. Hysterical! I am reading this way too late and nearly woke my baby from laughing so hard! I'd use my dual citizenship and move to Italy where I'd hike around my forefathers' homeland and fart in a different language.

    I love your descriptions of the different farts. My husband and I were having a very intense discussion the other day about fart sounds... and why some sound the way they do. Is it gas volume? Speed of release due to pressure build-up vs. forced exit? What you ate? What is responsible for the changes in sound?

  23. Could you imagine? I mean would my step-son turn me in when there is a smell and we look at each other with that I am not taking one for the team and you will have to take ownership of it.

    Of course I would throw around my explanation of F-ART....maybe I can be an attorney over in Malawi. Representing those accused of illegally passing the gas.....

  24. When I fart I usually point in the general direction of Colorado and blame prevailing winds.

  25. Mandatory fart monitors! It lights up if you let one rip.

    There's lots of room up here in Canada! :D

  26. I would HAVE to move to Canada like a draft dodger or get arrested.

  27. Would sharting be an automatic life sentence?

  28. Bahahaha! I let out an escape pod at a bar once. The toxic cloud didn't hid until just as our waitress was walking away. EVERYONE expressed disgust for the foul odor and for our waitress who was so obviously the culprit.

  29. My whole family and the dog would certainly be behind bars....

  30. I think I'm going to have to print off the various types of farts and post them on my wall. Maybe put gold stars next to them to count the number of each?

    I wonder if I could graph that up.....

  31. That stinks! Or I guess it doesn't...

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