I hope you come here to learn stuff and to be made aware of the headlines because today I’ve got a doozy.
Yesterday I wrote of being grateful. So, in the spirit of that post, today I am thankful I don’t live in Malawi because I would be in jail. With several counts against me.
Yes, it’s true. The government of the small African nation of Malawi plans to make farting illegal.
This is not a joke. You can read about it HERE (from Reuters). Al Gore even responded to this pending legislation by saying, “While I have managed to avoid personal emissions of methane gases for the last ten years, we must realize that not everyone has as much self control.” (That part might be a joke.)
In a time when Egypt is falling apart and our economy is in the toilet, outlawing farts should be the breaking headline.
Taking my precious time to carefully consider this loaded issue, I have come up with some astounding observations:
- This law should be passed in my bedroom. If the offender uses the Dutch over trick, punishment should be the death penalty.
- Fartriloquists could have a field day with this one. Have a vendetta against someone? Throw a fart sound in their general direction.
- Mercy (Madonna’s adopted baby from Malawi) is counting her blessings
- Not all farts are created equal. If you got your PhD in butt thunder, you know the many varieties. The worst offenders are as follows, and should result in immediate arrest and incarceration:
- Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put make people gag.
- Beefy One
Sounds loud, and butch e.g. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a mad cow and a dog turd.
- Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later.
- Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
- Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
- Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
- Balls Tickler Fart : This is when you let the gas escape very slowly while sitting in the bathtub. The tiny bubbles come up round your balls and often attach themselves to the hairs on your scrotum, but finally come to the surface as a nasty stink. (Applies to males only).
- Of course, the toughest thing about putting said legislation into law is that it’s very difficult to know who cut the cheese. You could always use the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” rule, which has been scientifically tested and is very accurate. This is along the lines and much the same as “whoever said it, let it.” Then there is the “whoever denied it, supplied it” rule in which case no one would ever fess up to their farts again.
- My fear is that the Malawian jails will be filled with innocent dogs and babies who have been wrongfully blamed for the sins of their owners, parents and siblings.
Your thoughts? What would happen if the US tried to impose such a law? Would you move to Canada?
Wish I had balls so I could try the tickler,
PS: Most ironic thing is that back in the days when I worked in D.C. I was accepted into a women’s college in Lilongwe, Malawi because I wanted to study Women in Development. Never went, but Malawi and I are clearly unified on many levels.
PPS: Thanks to Bill H. for sending this to me. Right up my alley.