Monday, February 21, 2011

Winners and Partay

57 measly entries for the Butt Shield Giveaway.

I feel let down. I thought you all liked all things ASS more than that. I also thought more of you would be invested in protecting your butts while you ran, biked, road tripped and sat on airplanes. Everyone needs a good Butt Shield. Don’t ever get so cocky so that you think your butt is exempt.

Just to show the importance of protection, I am going to wear Butt Shield on my five hour, red-eye trip to Costa Rica on Friday. They don’t call it a red-eye for nothing. I will emerge into the city of San Jose with a fresh, rash-less ass and the locals (“Ticos,” you call them) will turn their heads, noses in the air sniffing, wondering who has just entered their country and hoping she will never leave.

Funny thing I just learned. The unit of money in Costa Rica is the Colon, named after none other than Chris Columbus who discovered the country (guess he had a nice colon). No joke. I am going to keep my colons clean while I visit. My colons might be brown, but they will be shiny and hygienic. My colons will be exchanged for souvenirs of beauty.

The winners of the almighty Shield:

  1. Holly (She chafes right at the base of her tail bone, where her cheeks come together)
  2. Diana Tries-A-Tri (She has no ass, so chafe happens)
  3. Steve Q (He’s tried everything stop chafing during ultramarathons. Nothing's worked yet including K-Y he just “happened” to have on hand, wink, wink). 
  4. LaVonne (She had a chafing nightmare once and had to lay on the couch for 2 days with her legs spread apart. She then I had to wear skirts with no underwear for a week).
  5. Jamoosh (Who says, “I am a poster child for inner butt cheek chafing.” Nice image).

Congrats. Email me your address at

Thanks for asking, my birthday party was fun.

Me opening gifts. No one is paying attention. You should call that number on the screen. Laurie, I’m wearing the necklace you sent!!


Me with squinty eyes and holding my special birthday glass that got refilled with Buffalo Gold beer a few times. My sis-in-law in the back looks pissed.  She is talking to my mom. You can see her half-face.


You had to be blond to come to my party. Can you find me in the dark?


Three people went home sick and I ate a lot of Buffalo wings.  When we got in the car at the end of the night, I sat between my two friends in the backseat. I let one fly and my one friend started gagging and had to open the door for some air. I’m proud of that.  The Urban Dictionary would appropriately call this a fire fart (see link for amazing details).

You might be old when… the waiter asked if I wanted a birthday shot or a dessert. I did the inconceivable and went with dessert. God, I’m old. But, I wasn’t so hung-over I couldn't do my 20 mile ride Sunday and play video poker on my iPad for three hours. So, suck it, you young’uns.

My real birthday is tomorrow. I have lots of fun things planned for myself. I like having multiple-day birthdays.

Not too old to stink up the car like a sailor,



  1. I hear the farts get worse as you get older actually so I don't think you'll ever bee too to stink up that car. I just feel sorry for your driver when you're too old to drive yourself. Looks and sounds like a fun party. Happy Birthday! I would have chosen the dessert too.

  2. You are the crop dusting queen!!!!!! I love it!

  3. Oh you're a Feb bday too!! Great month eh?! Happy birthday!!

  4. Happy birthday! Sounds like you had a great time!

  5. You seriously crack me up!! Love reading your posts!

  6. You had to be blonde to go to my party LOL that was actually pretty funny!

    Your sis in law pissed off ... she is talking to my mom LOL

    You are a nut. Keep enjoying life! Hope the hip is healing up for you!

  7. I have NO CLUE how the heck I missed that giveaway. Damn!!
    Happy Belated Birthday

  8. That is one mighty fine looking necklace. :) Looks like you had a fun party. Happy belated birthday.

  9. Looking good! I'm loving the blonde. Happy belated!

    Hey I think Regis and Kelly just said Dean Karnazes is about to be on talking about his run.

  10. Boy you are getting lots of celebrating in! Nice. Happy birthday tomorrow if I forget, which I might, as I'm getting old.

  11. Looks like a good time. Hey I got my sticker - Thanks! It's really cool. Also, wanted to let you'd be happy for me (haha). I won a speech contest for my speech on hiding farts in an office chair.

  12. I hope you had the bestest birthday EVER! <3

  13. Your posts always are so funny! Happy Birthday!

  14. Belated happy birthday wishes....Damn I missed the butt shield contest due to my husband taking my computer hostage to work on income taxes!!

    Actually I may buy him one of those as he is known to suffer the dreaded travelers crack.

  15. Happy Birthday to you! And, c'mon, don't you know your farts get worse as you get older? At the very least, they get more frequent. I barely farted at all till I was 25, and look at me now! You'll be one of those old ladies that farts with every step as they go up the stairs. I'll be at the bottom, laughing (at least spiritually). Perhaps gagging.

  16. Happy, happy Birthday to you! Looks like a good time out with friends. Shots or dessert is better than being offered dessert or Geritol. It's all relative.

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  18. Where's the damn spell check.

    What I said was that you are not too old to be in my Mom Blogger Bikini Calendar.

  19. I'd always pick birthday dessert over birthday shot. You can't share a shot. Well, you can, but that's just weird.

  20. Just found your blog, and love it! Didn't know about your giveaway. DAMN!
    I am leaving for Costa Rica in 2 weeks, and am now hoping to get a hold of some Butt Shield. Have a great trip, and Happy Birthday!!

  21. Happy Birthday, Stinky!!!! :)

    I learned this weekend that my drink limit is now a mere 2! Anything past that leaves me hungover and unable to function. Had 4 on Saturday (a long-distance celebration of your birthday of course) and couldn't move on Sunday. I would DEFINITELY take the dessert. :)

    I'm blonde! Where was my fricken invite?

  22. Sounds like a great bday. What's a bday without a fire fart anyway.

    little known fact, my 7th graders were seen using urban dictionary as resources in their editorials...

  23. Multiple-day birthdays are the way to go! And it is so helpful that you give us all ample notice ;-) I do that, too.

    I want a close-up of that special birthday glass... and are you going to share pictures of your colons when you're in Costa Rica?

  24. Happy birthday, girl! Celebrate all week.

  25. Looks like you had a great party!...the two friends sitting near you, not so much. ;-)

  26. Happy Birthday! Enjoy Costa Rica :)

  27. Now I know why I drank to much last night? It must had been to celebrate your birthday, have a great day / year, all the way to Boston and beyond.

  28. I am so sad I missed this giveaway.
    Now my butt will forever be chaffed chapped and in need of Vaseline.

    You know butt chaffing is not a topic that is considered normal discussion.... BUT IT HURTS! get it butt! bahahahaha

  29. Happy birthday!

    In funny side note: I completely disdained the butt shield contest. I was all, CHAFING? I have never had a problem with that. Psh. I won't even enter.

    So what happens yesterday? I go for a hike. There was a lot of scrambling and backtracking involved. I got back to the car and was all, "why does my ass hurt?"

    Yeah. The fabric of my hiking pants chaffed.

    **eating humble pie.

  30. Hey, I won! Stepped away from the blog for a few days and this was #312 in my Google Reader, so it took a while to get here.

    Woo-hoo! I was running out of things to stick in my crack....

  31. I wish you can play video poker on your iPad forever.
    Anyway thanks for sharing your feelings here with us.